How (not) to do the Vulnerability thing

On the strange act of Strategic Disclosure

Hello everyone,

If you care about showing up more genuinely and powerfully as a human, you probably know about Brene Brown. I love her work on vulnerability (her TED talk has almost 50m views), which is why I am sometimes concerned that some ideas can slightly be misunderstood.

Which brings me to a conversation I had last week with a client and friend about vulnerability in friendships.

(male intimacy: an untouched subject in the modern culture)

My friend has been living away from his hometown for many years and is now back in town for the next year. As a thoughtful and caring man, he wanted to strengthen a friendship with an important old guy friend. Yet their interaction has been at a somewhat surface level without touching on the personal and really meaningful matters. He told me he wanted to practice more vulnerability in the conversation.
I asked how he had been doing this vulnerable thing, to which he replied: "I've been sharing my personal stories and struggles. I know my friend is going through a tough time, but I'm not sure how to make him feel more comfortable sharing. I don't know if that's enough."

The question seemed straightforward enough, which made me almost jump into tactical How-to brainstorming mode with him.
In that moment, I noticed both his and my own pattern of figuring out an answer. We both cope with a situation by thinking about it, him in his friendship and me in this very conversation. That would be fine in other cases, but doing so would reinforce an existing pattern and therefore be a disservice to our coaching work. In this work, we are not giving an answer but giving the client a chance to explore a different perspective and thus expand his own capacity to live differently.

Senseing a deeper need to explore what's going on here, I invited him into a brief contemplation.

Vulnerability: a sweet primer

It's the tentative and slightly anxious sense of not being our usual way of being. For both of us, it's not knowing exactly what's happening and therefore what to do. For some, it's being assertive where they usually are calm and peaceful. For others, it's being playful and silly rather than looking good and perfect.

Whatever the case, it's often an opportunity to break away from our patterned reactions such as flight, fight, freeze as well as please or protect. Being fully and freely human is to be vulnerable. Because we cannot rely on our stocked responses and default
In this context, vulnerability refers to a way of being beyond the usual role-playing acts that we all do in our relationships, i.e "I am a good friend / boss / partner, therefore I want to care / show my affection / be reliable".

We all have an ideal image of ourselves, i.e who we would like to be and how we want to be seen by others. To be vulnerable is to choose what is present - thought, feeling, sensation - over these ideal. It's vulnerable precisely because there is no way we can control what does and doesn't arise. Sometimes we feel upset when we are supposed to be kind. Sometimes we want to say something useful, yet nothing comes up. Sometimes we are tired of listening to the same old stories and yet don't dare to express how tired we are.

Given such uncertain nature of this way of being, there is little we can plan for. It's not unlike an improv actor on the stage not knowing what to do and say while still not ignoring responses from the audience. We can only practice by staying present.

Yet most of us are, at least at times, looking for a silver bullet. The pressure to prescribe a formula or technique is immense.

The simple yet scary first step

How do you do the "vulnerability" thing then, if that's a valid question at all?
Could you open up by sharing more about yourself like my friend has been doing? Yes, you could practice by telling the microscopic truths.

But first, it's worth starting with being clear of our own intention. Without this step, we risk of only having the outward appearance of doing the right technique and missing the essence of it.

Why do I want to be vulnerable? Is this to earn another badge in the self-improvement game because people now talk about Vulnerability as The Good Thing Every Growth-oriented Person Should Do? Is this because this relationship matters to me, and if so, how exactly? Or is it to create certain effect in the interaction, such as building trust or inviting people to be more open to share?

I asked my friend what his intention was, to which he replied: "This particular friendship since high school matters to me. I want to use my year here to strengthen this friendship so that we can continue to support each other".
"That sounds great! Why don't you just tell him that?" I asked.
He looked a little bit taken aback. "That's it? Is it that simple?"
"Yes. Yet there is nothing more vulnerable than acknowledging our intention and then revealing it to someone as truthfully as we can. " I said.

For some of us, especially male to male in the modern culture, it's uncommon to express by words what is genuinely going on in our own life. Even more so is how important we are to each other. Yet that's precisely what's needed. Our brilliant mind sometimes overthinks matters of the heart.
Which brings us to the latter case about what vulnerability is not.

Strategic self-disclosure: an easily misused technique

Sometimes when I'm with someone or a group of new people, I will begin by dropping some sensitive facts about myself, almost like making a bold first move in a chess game.
It's not so much a competition in "who's more vulnerable" but a way to invite people into a deeper connection "Hey, in this space, I feel comfortable enough to share some rather sensitive stuff. I hope you do too". I keep a few "sensitive stories" like those handy so that whenever the right occasion comes I can drop them like performing some cool facilitation techniques. In that way, it's more like a stand-up comedian who rehearses his jokes before stage rather than an improv troupe who just makes things up on the go.

I said to him "I do that strategic self-disclosure thing often too". He laughed because the made up term was so spot on. I continued: "I'm even doing it now", and we both cracked up.

It was a nice lighthearted moment, somewhat like a magician telling the audience his trick but the audience is still tricked. Admittedly, it may seem a little bit manipulative, but it's not manipulation when people know what they are getting into!

It was a good teaching moment of how relationship building doesn't have to be a macho competition of who is more vulnerable and sharing deep truths.

For me, sharing with him that didn't feel as vulnerable as compared to confessing to someone that I really had a crush on her. There wasn't much significant risk except that I'll look silly from failing the joke. Yet it did create an opening, a chance for us to laugh and feel more connected.

What does that have to do with being vulnerable in a friendship then?
My friend drew a great conclusion: "Well, I guess there is nothing to plan ahead. I will just have to be there and be present".
To which I gladly cheered: "Yes! And remember to breathe". I wished him well with the soothing words of the late Mary Oliver.

You do not have to be good.
You do not have to walk on your knees
for a hundred miles through the desert repenting.
You only have to let the soft animal of your body
love what it loves.

And another poem on the theme of vulnerability,

A Seeming Stillness by David Whyte

“…We are all a sun-lit moment come from
a long darkness, what moves us always
comes from what is hidden, what seems
to be said so suddenly has lived
in the body for a long, long time.

Our life like a breath, then, a give
and a take, a bridge, a central movement,
between singing a separate self
and learning to be selfless.

Breathe then, as if breathing for the first time,
as if remembering with what difficulty
you came into the world, what strength it took
to make that first impossible in-breath,
into a cry to be heard by the world.”

Hear his own beautiful recital here

Have a beautiful week wherever you are,

Khuyen

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