Why How You Seek Is More Important Than What You're Looking For

(read if you are looking for job, love or money or growth.. and if you don't, why are you reading this?? #sorrynotsorry hehe)

Hello friends,

I hope you're having a great week.

This week, I'm sharing a few new thoughts from a striking quote by Wittgeinstein.
As you might notice, I'm also changing my writing style a little bit, so please let me know what you like, what you don't like.
Do write back,

Cheers,

Khuyen

"Tell me how you seek and I'll tell you what you are seeking." - Wittgenstein

The way we pursue what we want in life speaks volumes about what we truly desire. I've been reflecting on this wisdom in the context of relationships, careers, and life's opportunities—and the pattern is striking.

Consider dating and relationships. You cannot simply lay back passively and expect the right person to magically appear. Some might get away with this approach—those rare "superstars" blessed with exceptional looks, wealth, or status. Their challenge isn't finding options but filtering through them to discover who genuinely cares about who they are inside.

But for most of us? The way we seek matters profoundly.

I'm drawn to people who actively seek connection. Their intentional pursuit signals genuine openness and readiness. When someone puts themselves out there—taking risks, initiating conversations, showing up authentically—they demonstrate a commitment that passive waiting never could. And interestingly, active seekers tend to find other active seekers. There's a beautiful resonance when two people who approach life with intention find each other.

The same principle applies to professional opportunities. Jobs rarely fall into our laps. Those who actively seek positions, network purposefully, and persistently pursue growth tend to create more meaningful careers. They don't wait for opportunity to knock—they go knocking themselves.

If you seek a job through desperate mass applications with generic cover letters, you'll likely find employers who treat employees as replaceable resources. If you approach dating by swiping mindlessly for hours but rarely engaging in meaningful conversation, you'll find connections that are similarly surface-level. If you network only when you need something, you'll create relationships built on transactions rather than genuine connection.

Is this approach uncomfortable? Absolutely. There's vulnerability in seeking. You'll face uncertainty, wondering if your efforts will bear fruit. The clock ticks, resources dwindle, and pressure mounts from within and without. Doubt is inevitable.

But here's the truth that transforms everything: How you seek reveals what you're truly seeking.

If you seek systematically and diligently, you'll likely find something that rewards systematic commitment and diligence. If you seek casually and sporadically, you'll likely find something equally casual and sporadic.

This isn't about judgment—perhaps casual is exactly what you want! The insight is simply that the method matches the result. Your seeking style is a preview of what awaits you.

Here are more examples of “The method matches the result”

• If you seek a job through desperate mass applications with generic cover letters, you'll likely find employers who treat employees as replaceable resources. → gosh i got rejected by many of those! some don’t even get back

• If you approach dating by swiping mindlessly for hours but rarely engaging in meaningful conversation, you'll find connections that are similarly surface-level. → thanks goodness I didn’t go this way

• If you network only when you need something, you'll create relationships built on transactions rather than genuine connection. → I’m guilty as charged about this..even though I’ve been a decent relationship builder. working on this though.

• If you pursue knowledge by consuming bite-sized content but never diving deep, your understanding will remain fragmented and shallow. → darn, i’m scared that i am losing my ability to deep read, esp academic papers

• If you build a business by cutting corners and prioritizing quick profits over value, you'll attract customers who are equally focused on price over quality. → this is sooo true!

I've experienced this myself in painful ways. When I was job hunting after leaving my PhD program, I was embarrassed to admit I needed work. I'd vaguely mention it in conversations at first. The shame I carried about seeking created a barrier that filtered out many conversations.

Only when I owned my search—directly asking for introductions and openly sharing my goals—did doors begin opening (but not all went through though..) I had to confront an uncomfortable truth: if I was ashamed of letting people know I was seeking, then the way I sought would contain that shame... and I would attract opportunities tinged with that same energy.

(BIG CAVEAT: funny how what came back isn’t always in the channel. For eg, i was seeking intro to meet people (since I assume most jobs come that way), but what came back was through a linkedin post. The point is that when we are open and take actions, something will come back. It’s the energy that you bring"

What surprised me most wasn't just finding what I was looking for—it was who I became in the process. I became someone I didn't recognize—in the best possible way. What started as a job search became a journey of personal transformation.

I developed systems for tracking applications, practiced articulating my value, learned to handle rejection with grace, and built the courage to ask for help.

I became more disciplined, more resilient, and more connected to others.

By the time I found a position, the role matched not who I was when I started searching, but who I'd become through the process. As a friend was telling me “The Job Description is not who you are, it’s who you will become”.

Read that again.

“The Job Description is not who you are, it’s who you are becoming”.

Think about it. Isn’t that wild?

The most surprising outcome wasn't the job—it was my transformation into someone capable of thriving in it.

This transformation principle applies everywhere—the marathon runner becomes someone who can finish marathons through training, not before. The entrepreneur becomes capable of running a successful business by building one. We don't transform and then seek; we transform through seeking.

For relationships, careers, and nearly everything meaningful in life—it's not just what you seek that matters, but how you seek it. Your approach reveals your deepest desires, even when you haven't fully acknowledged them yourself.

How are you seeking today? And what does that reveal about what you truly want?

Khuyen

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