"What you truly seek, you will give away the most"
A reminder for the growth seekers
Hello everyone,
This week, I want to share a thought from the study of the Enneagram, the personality system that has been tremendously influential for me.
"What you truly seek is what you will give away the most".
It came up in a recent conversation with a friend. In the midst of this strange year, she was doing exceptionally well in her job and wished to level up by becoming a regional manager.
"What would that new role mean for you?" I asked her.
"Recognition from people at work" She responded.
I probed "Where does that motivation come from?"
She paused, probably feeling like I was psychoanalyzed her into some pathologies of the sort.
Noticing her discomfort, I explained the reason behind the question.
"If you care about making progress in career or life, you will at some points ask "What's next?” How do you know what area you can level up next to make a real contribution?
Look at what you are really seeking, for what you truly seek is what you will give away the most.
As an example, I have been seeking what is true, and it turns out that I give that away the most too. It happens both at the conscious (like sharing what I know through this newsletter) and the intuitive level (like being curious, noticing and pointing out what is true at the moment).
I wonder aloud to her"I wonder what would happen when you start giving people recognition for their work, effort, or who they are as people"?
It's not so much "give to get" but rather "give to realize how much we already have". As counter-intuitive as it seems, giving what we most seek is one key to career progress.
Why? In order to give something away that actually makes a difference, it has to be visible and trusted to be valuable to others. If you put sandwiches on the bench, probably no one would take it. But if you give to the right people in the right circumstances, people will start noticing it and will come to you more.
Then you will get more opportunities to contribute that way. In this virtuous cycle, you will discover and exercise your talents to contribute in ways that we didn't know possible before.
In my friend's case, if she knows how to recognize people in a way that truly make people feel seen and appreciated rather than empty nice sayings, she will hone that unique strength which prepares her into an impactful leader.
The most obvious application of this principle is in learning and teaching. What you spend most time and energy to learn, you will sooner or later want to share about it. "You teach what you need to learn the most", as the saying goes.
From productivity junkies who then teach people how to be productive, rags-to-riches business pros now help you get to six-figure income to spiritual gurus who teach methods for instant peace of mind and enlightenment, different people will take different time to start giving away.
Some would feel like an impostor, never competent enough to share. Some already want to share from day one. But rest assured that everybody will eventually give away what she is most looking for.
The question is not whether or not you will, but when.
Bill Gates amassed tons of wealth before he fully went into giving away mode with the Gates foundation. The Buddha was determined to go all the way to Enlightenment before he started teaching. In contrast, a hungry boy who found a piece of bread can share that with a stray dog next to him. What’s the difference?
(from an old postcard)
I think what matters more is the accompanying inner transformation. The deeper principle is this: Anything we wholeheartedly seek will transform us.
When you are truly after something, you will get to know all the nooks and crannies along the way. From those experiences, you turn into a finely attuned instrument that can bring more of that into the world.
How does that happen? Because the sense of self expands.
You will begin to identify with other fellows on the same pursuits, be that apparent things like money, fame, impact or a lover to more abstract goodies like power, personal growth, Life Purpose, happiness, peace, enlightenment, and so on. You will begin to see yourself in these friends. Compassion will naturally arise, and you will want to share from the overflow of gratitude and joy.
At some points, it will dawn on you that the whole point of seeking is no longer about you. It is so that you can give it away.
That could be the most face-palming anti-climax. For others, it may be the most beautiful realization.
It turns out that getting what you want and giving away what you have are not opposite of each other. They go together, making a beautiful, mutually invigorating loop.
The former is the trademark of the personal development industry, all about becoming a better self who have better things. Yet left on its own, it would feel so incomplete. No wonder when we are too caught up in our personal development agenda like running that marathon or speed-reading books, sooner or later there will often be some leaking existential thoughts "What is this for? What's the point of this all?"
The latter is what many wisdom traditions of the world have been advocating for ages, being selfless and dedicate ourselves to serving something larger.
The issue with only having this half of the loop is that sooner or later you will burn out. It can quickly get distorted into a competitive game of "who needs less?" As if neediness is a terrible thing.
It plays on the myth of self-sufficiency that many growth-oriented, kind-hearted, and independent people have internalized. Asking for what you need is almost a direct insult to that deep-seated belief. This is why knowing and daring enough to ask for what you need can be the most powerful practice you can take on. Like a shepherd who forgets to count the sheep he is sitting on, you may ignore yourself and have an incomplete picture. Remember: the larger purpose that calls you to serve includes you too!
Which brings us to the contemplation this week:
What are you most seeking for?
How are you giving it away?
Please write to me, I’d love to read your responses.
Khuyen
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