I've been thinking about how words land differently in new relationships - something I learned the hard way the other day.
I was having a good chat over some good Vietnamese street food with someone about her work and life changes. Then I made what felt like a casual observation: "It seems like you're open to many opportunities in terms of work direction and also relationship direction - like people who come into your life because you don't know what you want."
The moment those words left my mouth, I felt the air change. Her expression tightened, the warmth between us cooling instantly. She explained, with remarkable clarity, that relationships are something she treats with deep intention and care. My observation, casual to me, felt like a judgment of something sacred to her.
That familiar knot formed in my stomach - the one that appears when you realize you've misstepped but can't take back the words. In the silence that followed, I could feel the weight of my unexamined assumptions.
This reminded me of a conversation with a CEO friend last week. He shared how he'd casually told a new employee "the model you're building is kind of crappy," thinking they were "just having a casual chat as friends." But for the employee, those words landed like a heavyweight verdict from above, triggering a crisis of confidence that took weeks to rebuild.
As the psychologist Gabor Maté brilliantly points out, a trigger alone does nothing - it's the connection to the rest of the gun's machinery that makes it powerful. When someone is "triggered," it's never just about the words spoken. It's about their whole life story:
The times they've been judged before, esp when they were a small child.
The wounds they're still healing
The expectations they carry
What feels like "just being myself" in my casual, direct mode might be pressing on someone else's carefully guarded sensitivities. It's like learning to dance with a new partner - you don't start with complex moves. You feel for their balance, their rhythm, their way of moving through space.
Both situations made me realize something about human connection. What we call "being ourselves" is often just our habitual, comfortable way of operating. But true authenticity might actually lie in the care we take to understand others' hidden triggers.
The invitation isn't to walk on eggshells or hide our truth. Instead, it's about:
Paying attention to responses
Building trust through careful attention
Letting depth develop naturally
It takes two to tango indeed. Someone pulled the trigger, but I'm the one carrying the ammunition. Someone else might find my off-handed comment very normal.
Yet on my end, I can always take the responsibility to learn from the responses. I don't want to make someone else feel bad, but I also don't want to restrict my expression. How do you resolve this tension then?
I'm learning that the simplest solution is often just asking permission: "Can I share something I noticed that might be useful?" That small courtesy doesn't make the relationship less authentic - it actually builds trust by showing we care enough to check.
The depth of a relationship directly determines how much direct honesty it can handle. What works with a close friend of ten years might land painfully with someone you're just getting to know. It's not about being fake - it's about recognizing that trust grows at its own pace.
I'm learning to shape a culture of care through this small behavior change - asking quick permission before sharing observations. Not in an overly cautious way that makes interactions feel stiff, but with just enough awareness to recognize that my words have different weight depending on the context and relationship.
The truth is, if we want those deep, trusting connections where we can eventually be fully ourselves, we need to earn that right through showing care when the relationship is still new. It's like learning any new dance - start slow, pay attention, and let the rhythm develop naturally.
Because ultimately, the greatest gift we can give in new relationships isn't our unfiltered truth - it's our careful attention to how others receive what we share.
With care,
Khuyen
P.S. Write back to me - I'd love to hear and reply to every email about your experiences with words landing differently than intended.
PSS: I’m switching from Substack to Kit because Substack is getting a bit too social-media-y.
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