The Only Life That You Could Save
My 28th birthday reflection
Hello everyone,
Long time no writing and thank you all for lovely wishes on my 28th birthday!
Here is a photo to let you know that I am alive and well 😀
I planned to send a practical life update. Yet as I sat down to write, it is so clear that what is important is to let you know where I am at in my journey. As such, I have instead chosen to use my birthday to write a longer essay about something I care a lot about: living this life.
Hopefully it sparks something in you.
The Only Life That You Could Save
On my birthday, I saw on my wall Mary Oliver’s poem, The Journey, again.
“..there was a new voice
which you slowly
recognized as your own,
that kept you company
as you strode deeper and deeper
into the world,
determined to do
the only thing you could do –
determined to save
the only life you could save.”
This time, it felt like these lines snatched the blindfold on my eyes.
I cannot and do not want to hide from the life that is unfolding right here and now. My own life.
Hiding in opinions of others, in what "should" be. Hiding by playing small. Hiding from fear of "disappointing others".
Hiding in complex words and grandiose ideas that don’t turn into anything concrete.
Personally, my favorite form of hiding is by accumulating more experiences so that I'd be finally ready.
It has a particular flavor: "waiting for the teacher or mentor".
This might surprise some. Especially for someone who loves learning and sharing, why not learning from the best teacher?
Here is the poignant pearl of wisdom from a revered Contact Improvisation teacher, Martin Keogh.
" So, you want someone to mentor you? There is no easy way to break this news to you – there is no mentor. There is only the fantasy of the mentor. You will have to become the teacher you desire. And if you feel you have found a mentor, rather than love the mentor, love what the mentor loves. This will lead to substantially less disappointment when you reach the level where it comes time for them to take the leap off their pedestal."
That line "rather than love the mentor, love what the mentor loves" has stayed with me ever since.
If you are sincere about living a life that is truly yours, sooner or later you may, like me, find yourself freaking out "How am I enough to be like these amazing people whom I have learned so much from?"
I'll put myself to study mode until one day I will eventually be like that.
Yet all the teachers and creative people I admire share one thing in common: they are in touch with the creative force. Indeed, in those moments where they shine the most, what is wonderful is not who they are per se, but what comes through them.
As such I may as well look straight into the source. I may as well fall in love with the source itself.
An important caveat here: this doesn't mean that you stop learning from other people and just go out to do your own things. That's silly. What it means is that you are ever aware of what is needed the most right now.
If it is to read another article or take another classes with a well-known teachers, go do it not with the thought "this would be useful in the future and help me get somewhere" but rather with the bone-and-marrow knowing that "this is what is most needed right now."
If you do not do it now, you will die inside, and your aliveness will fade away.
Carrying what is hidden as gifts
On this note, it's worth stressing that hiding is not bad. It's tempting for the growth-mindset folks to quickly go into the gungho mode of "let's find out the truth" or "bring light to the dark".
Quite the contrary, hidden things tend to be charming. Hidden aspects of ourselves are what make this whole journey of uncovering who we are and what exactly we are here for - our being and doing - so worthwhile.
To declare "I don't want to hide anymore" doesn't have to make this into a brutal truth-hunting, winning at all cost project of self-improvement. It can also include savoring the slow delicate foreplay, casually undressing the truth to see what emerges.
Or it could be as simple and light as what Alan Watts describes as a game of hide-and-seek with ourselves. You can simply declare "okay, I don't want to play hide anymore, I want to play seek" with the delight of a child. 😀
Whatever your style, you'll find those who like to play with you.
Indeed, the way we play this game of uncovering who we are and what exactly we are here for matters a lot too. Whether you play hide or play seek, whether you play with an all-or-nothing missionary zeal "let me find out what I am here for and go for it!!!" or just cruising along ("nah winning doesn't matter") or playfully poking around to see for any surprise catches, it's all okay.
What matters most is to keep unearthing and uncovering whatever hidden - our own fears, doubts and particular flavors of hiding - with the intention of sharing them not as burden but as gift.
A major part of the adult life is to show up consistently to build and refine how we deliver our gifts, whether that is through writing, dancing, baking a cake or paying attention to the other person in front. It has to take a concrete form, which is where the line from David Whyte resonates so much “To be human / is to become visible / while carrying what is hidden / as gifts to others”.
Why does all of this matter? What makes one no longer want to hide anymore? Because this is our life, and it matters. It's so easy to fall into that abyss that none of the things we do, let alone who we are, matters at all.
Yet every time a truth like that dawns on us, life gets more vivid, alive, and immediate. It's that moment when in the animated movie Soul, where Joe Gardner saw a leaf falling on the front porch and realized that THIS LEAF MATTERS.
It feels like waking up from a daydream, or a scale falling off our eyes.
So often we secretly dream for someone to come and save us from our own troubles. We secretly dream of some points in the future where our life will finally be okay.
But make no mistake, the work is now, now and now. Now is The Work.
Depending on how sensitive you are, you can notice that right in the moment, or wait for a few hours and look back (how on earth did I ended up wasting that few hours?) or even years (therefore the cliche of the wake up call: what am I doing with my life?)
The practice is to become ever more sensitive.
To live like the absurdist philosopher Albert Camus used to say, "live close to the point of tears".
From this kind of in-touch-ness with the moment, life and work become engaging. Every moment can move us to tear and to joy.
That journey takes effort, just like running fast takes effort, but make no mistake: you are not running to get somewhere. You are just enjoying running faster than your usual tempo.
Because, why not?
Epilogue: Not Hiding
You know you are not hiding when you feel the electric current in your vein. It may feel vulnerable and dangerous, but once you notice that fully, that is the life force, the chi that animates us all.
Yet as these lines
"Determined to do
the only thing that you could do
Determined to save
the only life that you could save".
struck me, I feel a sudden urge to not hide away from the most important realization for me.
That I don't have to choose either to be light-hearted or serious, playful or passionate.
Indeed, I am here to play more fully with that missionary zeal. 😀
And that’s my 28th declaration.
Two quick shares
A recent interview in English with Vietnam Rising podcast on what is it like to bring Contact Improvisation to Vietnam and some lessons learned on touch and openness.
I think you'll get some insights. Plus you get to see how I am doing!Existential Playground #3: Holes & Wholes: Speaking of play, I was invited by my dear friend & phenomenal collaborator Aaron from The Deep Play Institute to facilitate a session. You can read more about it here.
Getting Unstuck / Khuyen Bui
“Change is the only constant” sounds good in theory, but in practice, we all have stagnated puddle somewhere in our life. For this session, you will get to dig around a part of life that needs some gentle shaking up. We will have exactly 37 minutes for 4 tasks of increasing level of murkiness that will bring you from delight to aghast and then to Aha. Warning: while it’s playful, it can be also be useful.
I promise to send some practical life updates next week!
With that, be well, wherever you are in the world.
Khuyen