saying "no" hurts (and that's the point)
The hardest part of making decisions in relationships? Facing that moment when someone sets a boundary with you - or when you need to set one with them.
I got coached yesterday in front of 100 people with Tara Howley. The raw, teary-eyed kind where your heart gets cracked open while others watch.
She asked me about a situation with a family member who basically demanded: "get a proper job and pay back your PhD stipend money" - money I don't think I should have to pay back.
Sitting there, exposed to 100 pairs of eyes, I felt this surge of resistance rise up in me.
Intellectually, I knew I should be "understanding" and "compassionate" about their boundary. I do feel their love, and I truly want to honor it.
But inside? I was pissed. Hurt. And feeling a weird kind of powerlessness I rarely allow myself to feel.
The kind that made me collapse inside and do nothing for days.
This powerlessness is the worst part of difficult relationships.
Because when it comes to relationships, you cannot fix it. When somebody says no to you, they say no to you. Period. It's not like solving a business problem or strategizing a marketing campaign.
There's no clever workaround.
What struck me most was how physical this felt. My chest tightened. My breathing got shallow. I wanted to fix it, solve it, make it all better.
Except I couldn't.
Most people avoid difficult decisions precisely because they fear this feeling.
They fear the moment when they have to say: "I will not continue the path that you expect me to. I can't do that." Or "No, I can't pay back that amount" or "No, I don't want just friendship when I have deeper feelings."
I've been in that last situation.
Two years back in London, I had a crush on someone and she didn't see it that way.
And when she said she wished we would be friends, I said no.
It sucks because we had a bit of overlapping circles, but I think it was better for us.
And it turned out to be ok. (Now she's happily married which is great)
These power imbalances exist everywhere - romantic relationships, family dynamics, even with companies we work for.
I spent years trying to be the "spiritual" guy who rises above conflict. Who finds the clever workaround.
Who can manifest his way out of hard conversations.
That shit doesn't work.
(I know - I tried it through my 20s & early 30s with relationships, with family, with work decisions.)
In fact, I'm still working on this very developmental task of learning to say No and learning to appreciate when others say no to me.
It feels like I'm training a muscle I've neglected for decades.
Setting boundaries doesn't actually mean losing connection - it means creating the conditions for authentic connection.
It's just that the path between those two points runs straight through some very uncomfortable emotions.
Those emotions, the ones we try so hard to avoid? They're actually the point.
The real growth comes from being willing to:
Feel the guilt when you disappoint someone.
Sit with the fear that they might walk away
Accept the grief when a relationship changes form
Feel & fully let the anger in without letting it destroy the connection. (freaking hard for me still. And i remind myself: the other side of anger is passion for what's right!)
This is the essence of adult decision-making. It's not about finding the "perfect" choice that makes everyone happy. It's about making clear-eyed choices while staying connected to both your values AND the impact on others.
After my coaching session, I realized: I need to set the boundary about what I can pay back. I need to honor that this might change our relationship. And I need to stay open-hearted through all of it.
"Love is staying open-hearted to the inevitability of heartbreak."
With all my love,
Khuyen
ps: This is exactly why I'm creating my Decision Tools Workshop next Sunday.
Because the hardest decisions aren't just about logic or pros/cons lists. They're about navigating human hearts - including your own. And it's a skill we can get better at.
If you're facing a tough decision about your career, relationship, or business that involves other stakeholders - people whose approval matters to you - then this workshop is designed specifically for you.
It's happening this coming weekend (which happens to be my birthday weekend! TODAY ACTUALLY HEHE). I'm offering it as pay-what-you-wish for now, but the price will increase next week.
It's about learning to make clear decisions while staying connected to yourself and others, even when those decisions cause temporary pain.
Interested? Pls respond with DECISION. I'll send you the details.
PSS If you're wrestling with a tough choice right now, email me back. What's the hardest part about making your decision? I read every response.
PSSS: something to soothe our aching heart..
