Patterns we live by

Reflection from my grandmom's funeral

Hello everyone,

I hope you are having a satisfying end of the year. For those with immediate family and friends around, may it be restful, warm and joyous. For those who don’t, may you find solace with yourself.

This past week, I flew to Hanoi to my maternal grandmother’s funeral. She has been ill for a while, so it wasn’t an overwhelming emotional experience for me.

Plus, having lived overseas and in Ho Chi Minh City for 15 years now, I wasn’t deeply connected to her in the way some of my family was.

Nevertheless, standing there, seeing her lifeless body, something still struck me deeply.

I realized that she still lives on in me. Not just in the obvious ways, like our shared history or family ties, but in the patterns she carried—her fears, her tensions, her struggles. These things don’t just disappear; they’re passed down, shaping us in ways we often don’t recognize.

For example, my grandmother grew up during wartime Vietnam and worked in the military as a nurse, managing resources during unimaginably hard times. She raised three children, mostly by herself as her husband was mostly away as a army general, eventually passed away in the Vietnam-Cambodian border skirmishes in 1987.

That life required incredible endurance, an ability to hold on through hardship and make do with so little.

I see echoes of that endurance in myself—not so much in terms of how hard I work, but how much I settle for less. While our living circumstances have vastly changed, the core enduring pattern stays.

I’ve noticed how I sometimes don’t pushed myself hard enough with the subconscious rationalization that “nah, it’s not worth it” whereby it really is “I don’t think I am capable so I won’t do it”.

There are moments in my life, especially in intimate relationships, where I notice myself settling for less than I deserve, and not expressing what I genuinely want.

It’s as if part of me is still operating from her mindset: "You endure because that’s what survival looks like."

And I wonder—how many of us are carrying patterns like this? Patterns of fear, scarcity, or just "getting by" because that’s what the generations before us needed to do. Even if on the surface we don’t look

But here’s the truth: those patterns can hold us back from building the lives we truly want.

For me, this realization felt like both a responsibility and an opportunity. It’s my work now to look at those patterns and decide: What do I want to carry forward? And what do I want to leave behind, to create something new—a life different from hers?

What About You?
As we step into a new year, it’s a chance to pause and reflect:

• What patterns are you carrying that no longer serve you?

• What kind of life do you want to create instead?

Invitation: Visioning Conversations.

If you haven’t spent time visioning your year yet, it’s not too late. In fact, now might be the perfect time. Visioning isn’t just about setting goals—it’s about uncovering the patterns you’ve been operating from, clarifying what truly matters, and creating a clear, intentional path forward.

Otherwise, we stay stuck in old patterns. We move through the year reacting to what happens, rather than designing what we want, and then getting the support to continuously work towards that.

That’s why I’m hosting visioning conversations— where I’ll dig in with you:

• Reflect on your past year and the patterns shaping your decisions.

• Get clear on your vision for 2024—whether it’s in your career, relationships, or personal growth.

• Build a concrete plan to move toward the life you truly want.

If this resonates, I’d love for you to join. You can book a time here.

(Thanks to the three of you who responded to my last newsletter)

It’s not about creating change for change’s sake. It’s about giving yourself the time and space to reflect, and the support to move forward with clarity and purpose.

Let’s make this the year we honor where we’ve come from—and create something new.

Warmly,
Khuyen

ps: a nice remix of the old song, In The End, by Linkin Park. Just thought some of you would like it :-)