"I need space. Can you give me a month?"
A kind way to take a break from a relationship going sour.
Hello everyone,
Happy Sunday. I miss writing to you all and sending you much love where I am.
Some personal updates: I'm entering the last month of intense writing for the first book draft. Then it would be almost 9 months 10 days, as a real babe.
This means I won't be able to keep up with the weekly blogpost rhythm. Which brings me to a quick question: would you like to receive a shorter newsletter every week where I share mostly quotes and bite-sized snack for thought? Longer pieces are more helpful, but it's good to share shorter ones too.
Now back to this week's topic: relationship.
In this time of upheaval, lots of personal relationships are going awry, especially intimate ones.
This is why I want to share a personal life-changing, relationship-saving practice, especially in the most painful time nearing the separation. It's so simple that I am surprised why many people don't use it.
As someone who dedicates my life to relieve unnecessary suffering, I feel compelled to write about it. Please share with those who may need it.
"Let's take a break from this relationship?"
You have been there, either as the one who pulls the plug or the one who's left aghast in that painful declaration.
Especially if you believe in some slight hope that a relationship can work out, not now but some points in the future where people feel better, then this post may help.
I'm one of those who gain control by withdrawing in relationships. I remember a moment where my former partner was in the mood for love and asked me so sweetly "My dear, I could give you anything you want. What would you like?"
"Space", I said matter-of-factly.
To which she frowned: "No way, I can't give you that".
I knew that totally destroyed the mood, but being an emotionally cutoff brainiac back then, I didn't know any better...
Joke aside, it's almost always the case that in an intimate relationship, one person will often need more space and the other togetherness.
The person afraid of being consumed tends to withdraw, while the person afraid of being left alone tends to hold on.
This is the everlasting dance of twoness and oneness in a relationship. It's not a problem to be solved but a rhythm to be tuned in and stepped along.
This dance is most obvious in conflict.
Once upon a rocky time in a relationship, my partner and I were having a bunch of energy-sucking skirmishes. We stayed in the same place for way too long (which is not an uncommon thing in this pandemic time) that I was getting exhausted.
We had another fight and I was nearing my limit. When overwhelmed, my default coping strategy was to withdraw. As such, instead of staying and solving it, I expressed that I needed some space.
"I need to get away", I said, likely exuding some frustration.
"But this hasn't been resolved yet!" She said.
"I know, but I can't. Could we take a break? I really just need to get away".
"You know I don't like to leave things hanging like this."
"But as of where we are now, it cannot be solved anyway."
"But I can't let you just go like that. You know that I'd be obsessing over it meanwhile!"
As you can tell, even trying to get away creates a fight! One person wants to get away while the other wants to hold on.
Thank goodness I did not blurt out "That's your problem". That would have been very very ugly.
Instead, I was so tired then and just wanted to disappear for good.
"When are you coming back?" she gave in.
"I don't know. Maybe half a day. Maybe a day or more", I said, clearly exhausted.
"That's very selfish of you. I need to know when so that I am not left hanging so that I could get on with my life", she said.
In a sudden moment of grace, I paused and actually considered what she said. It's indeed rather unkind to let the other person hanging. I wanted to be kind, but it was too much for me too. Lord knew when I would be ready again.
"Okay, I will message you tomorrow by noon to update you whether I need more time or am ready to talk again."
That was an okay solution for a normal human, I thought.
That simple moment turns out to be a life-changing, relationship-saving tip.
It's offering a tentative checkpoint for the future. Many of us do it in our project planning work life, but few apply this practice in personal relationships.
It will save a lot of pain in any separation, and it works particularly well when it comes to a relationship that you think may be possible at a future point, perhaps in a different form than its current deteriorating one.
Why does it work?
Given the uncertainty of how badly we predict how we will feel in the future, this turns out to be a surprisingly effective way to live with uncertainty.
Our mind hates indefinite stuff hanging around and craves certainty. Coupled that with heartfelt matters of intimate relationship and we have a recipe for heartbreak.
It is considered a milder version of "ambiguous loss", i.e "a loss that occurs without closure or clear understanding." This is a loss that leaves a person searching for answers and thus complicates and delays the process of grieving.
If you know that something or someone is gone for good, at least you can fully grieve and then move on. What's worse than hope is just a little bit of hope. Just enough to keep you stick around, but not enough for you to feel good about the future.
As an example, as I wrote before on Expectation and Hope, one common dreadful experience is to lose an important key. The painful part is not about losing the key. Rather, it is the prolonged not knowing whether you can move on to find a new replacement or keep up the hope of finding.
How?
If you are the one who has to give space, you can make an offer. "How about us checking in again in [1 week/1 month/3 months]?"
Your partner will likely say "I don't know". Then you can respond "it's okay. I'm just asking for permission to check in with you then. You may not be okay at that time."
Now, this becomes like a negotiation. Want more time together? Ask for it.
If you are the one who needs some space, makes an offer too. "I don't know when I'll be ready again. Can I check back latest in 2 years?"
Don't know how much time and space you need? Just make up a big number like two years. You have nothing to lose! That may be too much for your partner, but at least now you both can negotiate on it.
If you recover faster, you can always check in with the other earlier than the proposed time. No shame! (If you do feel shame for reaching back earlier, then your shame is stronger than your affection for the other person. Do you really want that? Plus, the other person is likely very happy to hear from you. You coming back before the checkpoint is a gift that they cannot even hope for!)
"But a relationship shouldn't deteriorate into such a cold-hearted negotiation", you say.
Yes, and we are only being practical here. When thing goes sour, this is the kindest way to salvage it.
In non-violent communication, this is called "setting life-serving boundaries". It's there to serve life, i.e to protect the aliveness in both of you. Otherwise, as you are already experiencing in pain, in the current relationship there is no life, only fight.
On the side of the space-giver (who has fear of abandonment), you just unload a big uncertainty. Once you have made a public commitment to a certain duration, you will less likely to betray yourself and your partner by checking in too early and thus violating the boundaries.
On the side of the space-taker (who has fear of engulfment), congratulation! You just get the space you want, so do whatever you need with it. You can block the other person's communication channel during that time without feeling hurt or guilty about it.
And both people can use this time to look at yourself, heal the wounded parts, and have a life outside the relationship, no matter how important it has been...
Caveat
This is not a deadline but a checkpoint. It doesn't mean "I have to have an answer then". Rather, it means "Let's check back after a few months to see where we are at." Meanwhile, everyone is mentally and emotionally free to do whatever you need or want.
That's it for today. I hope it helps. Let me know what you think and how to apply it.
Much love,
Khuyen
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