
Earlier this week I went through a rough relational moment with someone I've been exploring a relationship with.
We were in that post-conflict space where the air is still thick with unspoken words. You know that space - where you're physically in the same space but emotionally miles apart.
The day earlier, we'd had one of those relationship-changing conflicts. The kind where you start questioning everything. The kind that has you cycling through scenarios of what to do now and rehearsing the "this is it" speech in your head.
I'd spent the last 24 hours with that sick feeling in my stomach, that mix of grief and fear and anger that came when something precious is already slipping away.
So we sat there, awkward and distant, tense. And I suggested we try something - a practice called "Beginning Anew" that I learned from the Buddhist monks at Plum Village. It's a structured conversation with four specific steps that helps rebuild connection after conflict.
I explained the practice to her, and I really appreciated that this lady was willing to try it with me. I told myself I really wanted to lean into this.
In Vietnamese, it's "Bắt Đầu Mới" - it's very beautiful and it touched me deeply. Thank God for our language.
The first step is simple: appreciation. You share what you genuinely value about the other person. I started, nervously at first, telling her specific things I appreciated about her.
"I appreciate your smile, your grinning eyes, and your willingness to lean in with me."
"I appreciate that you actually deeply care about how I am doing and going as a person. You really think for me, not just for yourself."
Even though I was scared, it was so nice to know that even when someone's upset, they still care about you. (In fact, if they're upset, they probably care a lot about you.)
Then we moved to step two: expressing regret. Taking turns, we shared the things we wished we'd done differently.
For me, it was "I regret forgetting to take your gift and really messing up and making you feel so terribly rejected."
By step three - expressing hurt - we were in a completely different emotional space than when we started. This is the hardest part for most people - to say "When you did X, I felt hurt" without blame or accusation.
The key here is to mention that it takes two to get entangled in the hurt. We get hurt because someone's actions reminded us of past experiences. Like maybe we got rejected from a young age by a parent figure.
She said, "When you showed disinterest in my gift to you, it reminded me of my parents, when I I was so eager to show them something, and then they responded with lackluster. It's really sad".
Imagine the kind of understanding and connection that is possible when hearing this from someone.
It's beautiful. It is an honor to hear somebody's vulnerable sharing.
The whole process took 120 minutes. But by the end, we were really sitting next to each other again, and I felt such a sense of deeper connection and appreciation. I think that's how we fight well.
This isn't just about intimate relationships.
Six months ago, I was asked to help an organization going through a massive transition. They were shutting down their business, and the team leader was struggling with how to handle the remaining weeks with their team.
I suggested we try this same Beginning Anew practice as a group.
I'll be honest - there was resistance. But they were desperate enough to try.
During the process, when we got to the expressing hurt stage, one team member said something that landed so powerfully:
"I found my tribe here. I love you all. And I want to make whatever time we have left a beautiful memory."
Despite the company closing, despite the uncertainty of their futures, they reconnected to what mattered.
In the following weeks, this team that was supposedly just "running out the clock" actually delivered some of their best work. Their final projects exceeded expectations because they weren't just going through the motions - they were creating a legacy together.
Here's the thing nobody talks about when it comes to relationships, esp teams and organizations:
Every relationship will break. Every. Single. One.
The question isn't whether relationships will break. They will. The question is: Do you have a reliable process for repairing them when they do?
Most established organizations have elaborate systems for project management, finance, operations.
But almost none have structured practices for relationship repair. (Maybe grievances & conflict resolution, but these are dead structures that really don't make humans come alive.)
They'll have policy manuals pages long with not a single paragraph about how to rebuild trust after it's broken. (And trust me, with the AI coming, there's nothing more important than this level of human open-heartedness)
And this is why most teams stay stuck in unsustainable performance.
Because without repair, small breaks become permanent fractures.
Silent resentments grow into active sabotage (sooo often)
Avoided conversations become avoided collaborations.
The Beginning Anew practice
It gives us a clear, four-step process (but it really is a way of being)
Watering the flowers (appreciation) - Specifically naming what you value about the other person. This creates psychological safety for the harder steps to follow.
Expressing regret - Taking responsibility for your actions without excuses or justifications. This isn't about shame but about acknowledging impact.
Expressing hurt - Sharing how you felt without blaming or accusing. The key phrase is "When you did X, I felt Y." And crucially, recognizing that your hurt comes from both their actions AND your own conditioning.
Moving forward with help - Asking for what you need to restore connection and prevent similar breaks in the future.
What makes this practice so powerful is that it doesn't require both sides to be equally ready.
One person can start the process by offering appreciation, which often creates enough safety for the other to engage. (And that person is you because you are reading this. You have the power to bring healing)
I've seen this work in intimate relationships where one person was ready to walk out the door.
I've seen it work in leadership teams locked in power struggles for months. (The tricky part is to have them even dare to have a conversation with each other.)
The most important part?
Don't wait for crisis to use it.
Make it a regular practice, even when things seem fine.
Because there are always small breaks that need repair before they become chasms. I think this is what we can learn from the monastic life because people live together and when people live together they bounce to face a lot of tension together.
Think about your own team or relationships right now.
What small breaks are you ignoring? What conversations are you avoiding?
Now imagine if you had a regular practice - maybe once a month - where everyone knew these four steps would be followed and all issues could be addressed with respect and care.
How much more trust would exist?
How much more energy would be available for the actual work instead of navigating interpersonal minefields?
How much more innovation would emerge when people felt safe to speak honestly?
The strongest teams aren't the ones that never break.
They're the ones that know how to repair.
With all my love,
Khuyen
P.S. Have you ever tried a structured repair practice in your team or relationship? I'd love to hear what worked or didn't work for you. Hit reply and let me know. And if you want to learn more about the Beginning Anew practice, here's the Plum Village explanation.
P.S.S Ready to bridge the gap between "i want to heal this relationship" (which lasts forever) vs "I am doing this"? I’m hosting an intimate online workshop focused on relationships on Sunday, May 10th. It's Pay-What-Feels-Right (my birthday week). DM me with DECISION for details on how to join.
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Love this piece, Khuyen. Thank you for bringing us along with your life practices. And happy birthday!