how to know what someone really thinks
make it concrete & ask
I had this conversation today that blew my mind a little.
11am. Coffee in hand. Video call with J - someone I’ve met nine years ago from Hive Leadership Program in SF and following her thoughtful post.
(The internet is weird like that, connecting us and keeping us at arm’s length all at once.)
We were talking about relationships - both personal and professional - and it hit me how most of us go about them completely backward.
We at Versa are very interested in organizational change, behaviors, cultures.
See, Jay spent a few years in the academic consulting world.
Everything was systems thinking this, theory of change that. Theoretically you can get “the entire system in the room” and transform everything.
Except that never actually happens in real life.
It’s almost as impractical as telling someone with relationship problems to “just communicate better” without giving them actual words to say when their heart is racing and their throat is tight, or breathing slowly with them.
Here are some principles when it comes to 1) user testing and 2) building new products while also 3) having great relationships.
What Jay shared hit me like a truck:
Start at the point of greatest vulnerability.
YOUR vulnerability.
Your not knowing, being scared, unsure etc..
Not with theories. Not with frameworks. Not with “why” questions that make people defensive.
But with concrete observations:
“I noticed you said A, and I also heard you say B.
I’m confused about how these things work together.
Help me understand”
To make it concrete, I volunteer myself as an example in dating.
In dating when you’re getting mixed signals, instead of asking “where is this going?” (which we’ve all done and regretted, because it triggers both fear and seriousness ), you say:
“I noticed you said you just want to be friends (A),
but you also want to travel with me and spend a lot of time together (B).
I’m confused about what this means for us.”
That’s it. That’s the magic.
J calls this “User Intimacy”
This flips conventional thinking on its head. We’re not asking them to do us a favor - we’re admitting our own vulnerability and ignorance. That’s true intimacy.
Intimacy is only possible when you reveal your vulnerability - the weakness of not knowing. You show that you want to understand and need their help. People aren’t just “users” - they’re teammates helping you figure things out.
When you approach conversations this way, you turn the other person into your ally in solving the puzzle, not your opponent. You’re both looking at the same concrete evidence, trying to make sense of it together.
And it works because:
You’re not making them wrong
You’re not forcing them to justify themselves
You’re just pointing to real, concrete, observable things that happened and asking for help understanding
This approach works in MANY THINGS:
It works in relationships when you’re confused about where things stand (eg above)
It works in product development when users aren’t engaging the way you expected (“I tried this new prototype with four different users but they don’t seem to like the solution - help me understand why”)
It works in organizational change when you’re trying to shift culture from the inside (My line of work! Which is not trying to say generically “your performance has not been good”, it’s really pointing to very specific behaviors like your email signature and so on)
The Bottom-Up Approach
This is fundamentally a bottom-up approach. You don’t give the other person an abstract frame like “tell me where you see us going” - which immediately creates that familiar, unpleasant experience of “oh no, not the relationship talk again.”
Instead, you ground the conversation in something very concrete and observable. They explain what they think, and you get clarity - but through a completely different path.
The Most important Attitude
Here’s the deepest insight from our chat:
If you want to know the truth, you need to be okay with the truth.
If you’re asking a question but secretly hoping for a specific answer, that’s a leading question. Why even ask?
If you really want the truth, you have to be okay with 1) not knowing, and 2) with whatever answer comes.
This is why so many people stay in situationships. They say they want clarity about their relationship, but they don’t dare to bear the pain that might come with it. The price of clarity can be pain.
Are you willing to pay that price?
Sometimes the simplest things are the scariest to actually do.
With all my love,
Khuyen
P.S. Have you tried this approach in your relationships or work? I’d love to hear how it went - hit reply and let me know.
pss: the app is
https://www.granola.ai/
It's PHENOMENAL, check them out!
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