How to be fully alive
Takeaway from my peyote ceremony in Mexico
Context: This is the way, way way overdue part two of my two-part series of my plant medicine ceremony in Mexico. Part 1 was about an unexpected lesson for my unsuspectingly good life, where everything is okay in the bubble until it bursts. Part 2 is about what happens after.
My friend Paul Millerd is making a thing out of walking out of the default purpose of adult life, which for most modern, especially Western men, is to win and achieve some sorts of external standards of security or success. I'm heartened to see him doing well.
At the same time, it seems a bit weird that only in the last fifteen years or so, the self-optimization tech bro sub-culture has begun to catch up to this "beyond default purpose" thing. People around the world have been walking out & walking on their own path for a long time.
What's behind this recent surge of desire for going beyond the default, searching for a sense of meaning & purpose? What's the larger question then?
My take: people are really asking "how to be fully alive?"
Indeed, most of these self-imposed, self-improvement challenges, like hitting the gym, meeting the deadlines, achieving financial goals, going to silent retreats or being all-in for a grand mission, are ways we pursue that question.
So what is "fully alive" then? Let's distinguish that with "not dead" and "alive" so you can have a felt sense.
Imagine being like Robinson Crusoe, surviving a shipwreck, floating on the sea, living day by day. Life is merely about surviving, and you have given up hope to find something. Maybe you learn to zen out, and appreciate the small things. All of that is "not dead".
Then imagine catching sight of an island far far over there. Now suddenly there is a direction, a desire. Then you finally arrive at that island, and find out that it was a darn paradise with pretty people singing dancing playing game while devouring sumptuous food. That's "being alive".
Now imagine that upon receiving the generosity of these island people, you felt so moved that you wanted to give yourself to the island, to make it even more beautiful, to welcome other lost travelers. It's like in the movie Avatar where Jake Sully chose to become a native Navi. It feels right outside, and it feels damn right inside. That is "being *fully* alive".
Crossing the gap between "not dead" to "alive" to "fully alive" is what my whole life has been about.
With that, let me share with you what I discovered from my recent peyote plant medicine ceremony in Mexico.
A (seemingly) humble beginning
The ceremony started around 9pm at the same open field of the Temazcal sweat lodge in the morning. We were instructed to fast before to cleanse ourselves, and bring our own flowers, candles and fruits as offerings. That night, the moon was bright, the air was clear and everything felt cozy.
When my friends and I arrived, about twenty people were already set up around the fire.
In the indigenous culture of this tribe, fire is called "grandpa" and considered the most important element.
Throughout the night we would be offering corns and fruits to the fire as we made our own prayers.
The shaman, called "marakame" which means in native language "those who dream", was sitting behind the altar with his family. He was probably in his 70s, with bright eyes, thick wrinkles and kind smile on his face like someone who had got sharper with all the weather of life.
I was feeling clear, relaxed and open from the morning sweat lodge. It got a bit chilly, so I put on a few more warm layers, and then started to sit, breathe and prepare myself for the long night.
We officially began aroundg 930pm. The shaman's apprentice, Xavi, asked us to stand up and began to explain how the night would go:
"To start the ceremony, I will now hand out to each of you a few palm leaves. You will need to tie one knot for each partner you had exchanged sexual energy with. Or someone you had an unresolved issues.
This will help clear up any residual energy so that this journey would be just for us.“
I turned right to my friend Alicia, who nodded, understandingly.
That moment when we all looked up and around at each other, contemplating who we had slept with...
Xavi continued: "And if you need more leaves, don't be shy to ask"
We all laughed like shy sheeps. It was both hilarious and beautiful actually. When else do we actually make time to revere in memories of such liquid pleasures? Some folks would have a whole bunch of knots, while others, like myself, would have just a handful. The beauty of inexperience is that you cherish every experience you have .
Indeed, for the next fifteen minutes or so, I really took the ritual sincerely. From the high school sweetheart to the unexpected sisterly encounter, from the swift kiss on a New York street to the very dear long term partners... the list is definitely not as many as I am stretching it to be though.
Xavi was walking around the circle handing out more leaves. When he came, he winked as if an offer "Need more?" and I shrugged "Ah, I wish..."
Everything seemed good, for now.
No news, good news?
Once this knot-tying ritual was done, we all stood up again in circle. It was time for the real deal: the peyote itself.
It was all stored in a simple plastic bag. Xavi told us that it had taken the tribespeople a lot of work to harvest that much.
Then he went around to pass it onto people’s palm. While waiting for mine, I tried to concentrate my mind on a specific intention. Maybe some good wishes to loved ones. Maybe a burning question. Nothing particularly inspiring came up though, since perhaps most of what I was looking for was already resolved in the morning after the Temazcal ceremony.
“Okay, I'm open to anything. Let's do this! ” I said to myself, taking in the whole thing.
As expected, it tasted horrible. Like sand. I took a few sip of water, trying to chuck it all in.
After everyone had taken in all the medicine, we were invited to stand up and chant along a song to dedicate to the fire god. Then, the shaman began to sing his songs in Huichol language. It felt like an epic tale, with verses extending from epoch to another, luring us along the vastness of history in its rhythm (you can find a similar tune here)
Half an hour went by in that lullaby. While the whole scene felt nice, I began to get a bit restless. I was cold, tired, and struggling to stay awake. As a spoilt tropical boy, nothing got my nerves more than cold and bad sleep.
I turned to Alicia and asked "Are you feeling anything?"
She nodded, looking like she was already in another world.
Some people were chatting; others came nearer into the fire to sing. It felt like any late night chill party.
I tried to sit up right to stay awake, to be conscious of what was happening, but my body started to give in.
I laid down, wrapping more blankets, and began to feel a bit angsty.
"What the hell am I doing here? I didn't come this far, paying money to suffer like this.."
It was humbling to contrast this restlessness with the profound sense of peacefulness I experienced just a few hours ago at the beach. Alas, even sleep didn't come that easily.
Lying down made me feel like vomiting. It must have been the medicine.
For a while, I tried to hold it in, but the urge to vomit got stronger and stronger.
Darn. I couldn’t hold it anymore, ran out of the circle and just BLARRRRRRRRTed it all out.
It was that kind of dry vomit that wrench your gut. There wasn't much except some fluid.
"Darn. This kept getting worse." I thought, feeling defeated "How come nothing was happening?"
A thought came to my mind "I vomited all the medicine out, so I should get more". Then I laughed at myself for the logic of more, more and more. Maybe it's not about having more, but less.
Vomiting does help me feel lighter though, and I was so exhausted that this time my body just fell asleep.
"PHUNNNNNNNNNNG"
A sharp, powerful roar came from a far, far away inside my psyche, jolted me awake from the half sleep.
What was that?
It took me a few minutes to regain some composure. What was that voice?
It was definitely not a human sound, and more like a growl of a very powerful creature.
Startled, I went to Xavi, seeking some affirmation:
"I just vomited again. Is that normal? I do feel lighter, and maybe I should have another spoon of peyote?"
He replied "That's good. The medicine is cleansing. Maybe you could go and give thanks to grandpa fire and offering him some fruits?"
I nodded, and before heading to the alter, I ventured to ask
"And, by the way, the medicine, it's a powerful Her, correct?"
Xavi smiled and nodded.
I was onto something.
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After making an offering to the fire, I received from Xavi another spoon of peyote.
Looking at my own open palm filled with this bitter medicine, I whispered aloud, almost forcefully commanding the powder: "Take me. Be everything to me. Take me. Be everything to me. Take me. Be everything to me".
This was no time to play small. I wanted to be taken by that powerful spirit, again.
With that, I chucked the medicine down the throat, licked my own palm, devoured every bit left of that bitter MF.
Then I took a glass of water, and again laid down, trying to fall asleep.
More people were coming near the fire, dancing, singing. The shaman went on to his second or third long verses. I was so tired to enjoy though.
Getting Restless
As the ceremony progressed, I found myself growing increasingly uncomfortable.
Soon after lying down, I wanted to vomit again.
This time, I didn’t even have time to run outside. Suddenly, I found myself doubled over to the spot just behind me, retching violently as my body purged itself of the peyote.
"Damn. Not again" , I thought, looking at the fluid.
I was really getting what I asked for, totally taken by this powerful medicine.
Usually, I am quite a calm guy, but this time, I was losing it. Vomiting made you very in touch with the rawness of the body. All this carnal body wanted then was something juicy.
I went to the altar, scanning what was there. Out of all these succulent fruits from apples, peaches, grapefruits, berries, bananas and so on, my eyes stopped the bowl of strawberries.
That raw, instinctual, powerful creature, a "she" was taking over me.
"Take me, be everything to me". I kept on telling that creature inside.
While other people were respectfully offering grandpa fire corns, fruits and prayers, she, through this body, couldn't care less about demeanor. It was surreal to witness my body kissing the strawberry, sucking the juices out then devouring it, chewing violently, shaking head, rolling eyeballs, staring up the starry nights, bending down to the earth, growling.
"Take me. Be everything to me". I pressed on, intensifying the inner encounter with this creature.
Then I spit the chew onto the burning wood in the middle of the fire.
Who cared about respectfully offering intact succulent fruits anymore?
I wanted to be taken, consumed, merged with that fire. What the fire wanted was this raw, powerful creature in me too.
As the fire licked the flesh of the strawberry, melting it into primordial shapes of cells, with organically expanding curves and shades. I tried not to make up any recognizable figure - like cloud watching - but it looked exactly like the peyote psychedelic arts people made.
Holy. I got it now.
"Hah, that's how you want to play?" I laughed to myself.
Throughout the night, the shaman continued to sing for hours in iambic melody, his songs seeming to tell the story of the world, of the different stages of life, of the human experiences that have gone on for millennials.
Sometimes I heard those sounds, but mostly I was swept away with this new creature inside, like a lover in a passionate one night stand.
I asked for another dose of peyote, again. Scenes from the movie Avatar kept popping up. I felt like Jake Sully in his avatar form when he first met Neytiri, the princess of the Navi indigenous tribe on the planet Pandora.
She was showing him her world, the beauty of the land, with its forest glowing in the dark, the water, the rare animals, the people and their customs.
She was showing him her beautiful heart, sharing with him her boundless love for the lives around her, welcoming him into her world.
Jake, completely taken in awe, exclaimed in near delirium: "I fall in love with the land. I fall in love with the people. I fall in love with you".
The night began to feel so exquisite, so much more beautiful than anything my mind could even imagine.
Dancing, chanting, laughing, screaming, spitting more fruits into the fire, closing eyes, diving into endless adventures, what a pleasure to be taken away by a beauty both so deep inside yet so far away.
Sunrise
Time felt weird that night. It felt like ages, and it felt like a blink. As the moon was passing the sky over to the sun, everything became intensely vivid, from the trees, the soil, the faces of people.
People slowly made their last singing prayers, and stayed in their seat, cherish the night.
As the sun rose, the ceremony came to an end. Xavi walked around the circle, giving us blessing. He would dip a gorgeous white lily flower into a glass of water taken from the altar, tapping it onto our foreheads, faces, our necks.
When it came to me, I asked to kiss the flower, letting myself savor those fresh droplets from that pure beauty.
I was high, but surprisingly grounded. The medicine effect was strong enough that when I closed my eyes, the vision stayed almost as vivid as when they were open.
Everyone was radiating a warm glow. People were hugging each other in long, cherishing embrace. We gathered around the altar and shared the food, which never tasted so good.
The shaman was resting nearby with his entourage. It was a long night for him too.
Suddenly the alarm clock in his phone rang in the sound of a rooster. I laughed, and thought "What a show. This is the best party ever, with the best DJ. People really know how to party here.".
It took half a day to come down. I was feeling wide open to everything, but more importantly I remember the intensity of "being taken" by that voice, that powerful creature.
If the temazcal ceremony the morning before was about me remembering the beauty already here, then the peyote was remembering what it was like to be so fully alive.
As a single guy, if I were to fall for any romance, it had to be THAT good.
And like in the movie, the most ecstatic one night stand is when I don't even know her name.
Aftermath: a glimpse of meaning
I went back home by noon and slept straight till sunset. Then, I went to the beach to rest, feeling a mixture of gratitude, forlorn and bafflement. Have you ever met someone who just swept you away, then gone, just like that?
That night, I talked with a friend who was also at the ceremony. He was surprised to hear of my encounter, and said "Ah, that might have been the jaguar".
I was shocked. I thought this spirit animal thing would only be in the movie, but apparently it was real! He continued:
"The jaguar, called Mayetse, is the protector of the fire, a messenger of the fire god and a companion once a shaman has been initiated."
That sent chills down my spine. The depth psychologist Bill Plotkin would call this a "soul encounter", a numinous experience that is intrinsically meaningful and revelatory about a person’s larger story about his life & world.
It did indeed feel like an initiation. Something had irreversibly shifted. In shamanism, when a spirit has made contact with a human like that, it meant that a courtship has begun. You learn about each other, what make them tick and tickle, what is it like bring them more into your life.
He explained that the word "yaguar" in Huichol language means "one that can kill in one leap". To embody the jaguar doesn't only mean to embody such immense power. It is also to embody its purpose: to protect the fire.
What does that mean, practically? When I am losing touch with the fire, i.e out of integrity with what's most true, the "jaguar" will leap out. When I see those close to me losing their fire, I will risk myself to protect it. I will leap, and kill, for that. Kill what? The confusion, the excuses, the indecision.
My friend continued: "Most importantly, the role of the jaguar is to devour his spirit if he fails to live up to such commitment. "
DARN.
This hit me hard. The price is high. Failing to protect the fire could cost everything, even the life I am currently living. I would trade nothing, except for a true soul mate, to have a jaguar spirit waiting to eat me alive any time I fall off track. There is indeed nothing else that I am willing to live for.
Postscript: on fear & ambition
The next few days, my body still remembered that intense roar, shooting up from somewhere far within my mid body.
I was with a friend who was feeling indecisive about his next career move and wishing he had more courage. As he was talking, I felt this sharp, fierce leaping force from within.
"You don't need to be more courageous. You just need to feel more afraid of dying inside. Courage is the result, not a requirement."
We were both shocked: where did that come from?
The encounter with the jaguar spirit brought me in touch with the primal fear, as Bible says "the fear of the Lord is the beginning of wisdom".
Instead of thinking of a punitive white-haired god-in-the-sky, you can substitute "the Lord" with "That Intense Aliveness." Fear is sign that we are onto something a little bit more than what we can handle.
Indeed, the question is not "how can I be less fearful?" but rather the opposite: "how can I feel more fear, and welcome it unconditionally?" That's what it means to be in touch with That Intense Aliveness.
The other lesson is about the nature of ambition. Contrary to what most people would think, when we feel ambitious, what we long for is not more freedom or power. It is to be so completely taken by a greater force that we become intensely alive.
As the poet Rilke once wrote, “the way to grow is by being defeated, decisively, by constantly greater beings."
Or to be a bit cheeky, when in doubt, literally scream to whoever or whatever at hand. "Take me, be everything to me".