During my PhD, I remember sitting across from my supervisor Nettra, asking. in confusion after submitting my paper draft, “What do you want to see? Just tell me what you want.”
Her response always inspired me deeply yet frustrated me at the same time: “It’s not about what I want. It’s about what YOU want. It’s your PhD.”
This drove me crazy at first. By nature, I’m other-oriented - I find it more motivating to make someone I care about happy than to achieve something just for myself. I thrive when I understand what others need and can meet those expectations.
At first, I thought I was just being people-pleasing, but I think that’s just a term that many psychologists (or Instagram folk psychologists) like to label the pattern.
My darkest moments - when I most wanted to quit - came when I was thinking only about myself and my own journey. But when I shifted to think about the people I’d made commitments with, something changed.
I’ve realized I’m not truly happy, not deeply happy, until I can fully give myself to someone or something. And not everybody deserves that level of commitment, you know?
It can’t just be for myself.
My main regret was not creating proper closure for myself with the PhD.
But you see this writing, this newsletter? This is my commitment to learning and sharing for the few people who appreciate.
My commitment is to partner with myself & those who resonate with Wholehearted here - growth-oriented people who want to keep expanding
to stop doing what keeps us small and meh inside
to reconnect with what matters most
to act with clarity, with conviction, with care
This pattern has repeated throughout my life. The commitments I’ve broken were typically about my own achievements. The ones I’ve kept were almost always connected to other people or something greater than myself.
Three Ahas on Commitment
1.The power of commitment lies not in what you gain for yourself, but in what you give to something beyond yourself.
When commitment is purely self-serving (like achieving a personal goal), it often feels hollow and becomes harder to maintain. But when your commitment serves others or a greater purpose, it becomes energizing and sustainable.
This isn’t just philosophical - it’s practical. The Latin root of “commitment” is “com-mittere,” which literally means “to release together” or “to throw together.”
(When I read that, I was like “fuck”, because for a long time I thought I wasn’t a committed guy. I thought I had commitment issues. Which I think everybody does. I am just scared of letting go of control, you know? It’s freaking scary as I wrote about surrendering. But hey, I said we've got to choose what's scary over what's difficult, and i'm following thru with my commitment!)
True commitment isn’t a solo act - it’s about letting go of control with others, for something greater.
2. How much you truly love is revealed by the commitments you make and keep.
Not just make, but keep. To other than yourself.
(I feel this pain most acutely when I forgot that the PhD was not just for myself, it was also for us - to make other people proud and to build bridges to academia, especially from a less developed country.)
3. Commitment saves us from ourselves.
This sounds counter-intuitive but relates to point one - when we commit it, it frees us.
from our small self-absorbed concerns, our fears, our momentary discomforts. When I commit to a relationship, I show up even when I feel like crap, because it’s not about how I feel as much as how well be together.
I don’t feel like writing, but I commit to writing to you. So here it is.
A related example in a work context to make the point here.
I was talking to a dear friend Flora who worked in Human Resource. She told me something that I never forgot: As she managed people, she realized that for many, many people, especially during Covid time, having work to deliver, having a place to go to, where people can be accountable and responsible too, is such a refuge to the crises happening in their personal life. It’s not just about salary. It’s about the structure and stability.
This explains why self-help gurus telling you to “commit to yourself” often doesn’t work. Without that connection to something beyond yourself, the commitment lacks staying power.
Questions for you
Look at the commitments in your life right now - which ones are purely about your own achievement, and which connect to something greater? (it’s never clear, but good to map out and get as clear as you can for yourself).
For the commitments you struggle to keep, ask: “Who or what beyond myself does this serve?” If you can’t answer that clearly, you might need to reframe the commitment or release it entirely.
When making new commitments, don’t ask only “What will I gain from this?” but “What will this allow me to give?”. (For example, for me, I will be able to sponsor a lot more people and touch many more people when I can make my money have a better higher status.
And if you’re struggling with a commitment right now, remember:
it’s natural to falter when you’re committed only to yourself.
Find the thread that connects your commitment to others, to meaning, to love - and that thread will pull you through when motivation fails.
With all my love,
Khuyen
ps: I’m committing to creating a workshop on decision making, because in order to make good decisions, you should be very clear about your commitments first. What to make, to keep, and to let go of. If you’re interested, DM me the phrase “DECISION” and I’ll keep you posted later this month.
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