Bad is stronger than good
and what to do about that
In my people development field, we’re all obsessed with "triggers" these days. Every podcast, every relationship book, every therapy session: “what are your triggers and how do you manage them?”
Don’t get me wrong. Triggers matter. They’re like emotional weight lifting – each time you work through one, you build capacity. And I love this kind of intense relational training. It’s so taxing, but it’s so good.
I used to think the goal was to eliminate triggers entirely. I was soo naive and scared of taking on the world.
Now I am learning: the goal is to learn to handle ANY situations.
Some principles to remember
1.Bad is stronger than good.
This is from a well-known 2001 psych paper. Thanks to my friend Cody.
The research is clear – our brains are literally wired to pay more attention to threats and problems.
Which means if you want a better life experience, you have to systematically work to change the wiring of the brain.
You must change your brain to pay attention to glimmers, those sparks of joy and moments of true peace. (Thanks Scheerer here for this beautiful concept.)
And you have to train yourself to notice them. Intentionally. Consistently.
Because your brain isn’t designed to do it automatically. Again, bad is stronger than good.
For me, a glimmer is seeing someone dear to me. It’s that moment when my jaw releases tension I didn’t even know was there. It’s feeling my feet on the ground when I remember to actually notice them.
2. We confuse surface-level pleasures with true glimmers.
When my work isn’t going well (and it matters deeply to me), no amount of drinks with friends or Netflix binges will fill that void. Those might be nice temporary distractions, but they’re not glimmers. They’re escapes.
Same when a core relationship is not going well. You gotta work on it.
The funny thing about being human is that we will do anything to avoid the thing that at the very heart of the problem. I know for me, deep down, I will not be truly satisfied until I can completely give myself to something and someone. I’m just that kind of guy. And lose myself in that.
Real glimmers come when you’re attending to what matters most.
3.Just aim for more glimmers than triggers (duh…)
I think this applies to our day-to-day experience, but especially the experience of working with other people.
Dr. John Gottman’s research shows that flourishing relationships need at least 5 positive interactions to counterbalance a single negative one. Some researchers put that number even higher – closer to 10:1 (But not more than 13, because too much of positivity means there’s no growth stimulus)
So what does this mean practically?
Train yourself daily to notice your personal glimmers (the specific sensations in YOUR body when pleasure arrives. Could be a breath, could be a big SIGHHH in the body)
Get radically honest about what matters most to you, and address those areas first. Everything else is just distraction. (For me, it’s 40% good work and 40% a great intimate relationship 20% friends & community)
Approach both triggers and glimmers as intense experiences – not “good” or “bad”
Nurture your closest relationships toward more glimmers than triggers (aim for that 5:1 ratio minimum)
In our AI-driven, constantly-changing world, I’m convinced the ultimate superpower isn’t coding or marketing or whatever skills the internet is trying to sell you today.
It’s a well-regulated nervous system. One that’s sensitive enough to feel everything, but resilient enough to come back to center quickly.
I think that capacity has never gone out of vogue but now it is more important because other skills are going to go out pretty soon.
With all my love,
Khuyen
Here's mine: sunset in Saigon.
Found this newsletter useful? Please forward it to friends here: The Wholehearted Newsletter.