"I don't want to hurt his feelings"
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Hello everyone,
This week, I'm writing this newsletter after doing a fun pop up contact improv class at the yard of a monastery in Da Lat.
It's a big step towards my little fantasy to organize some dance in the serene Buddhist meditation hall, mostly out of the love of good dancing space (and admittedly there's a part of me that wants to poke at the serenity too: if you can do wild crazy silly thing while still remaining peaceful inside, then that's real spiritual progress...)
Imagine the good energy from the monastic practices..
I see Contact Improv classes as a fertile ground to explore how we live. People often express to me how much that what shows up in the movement class is a reflection of their life outside. I think we got it rather backward. How we are in life is a reflection of how we are in our movements.
I'll write about it next week, but for now, a picture to keep you posted on the seemingly silly thing that I'm doing here.
Did you see that? Right outside the temple... We had a very progressive monk who allowed us to do that. 🙏
Khuyen
Passing Through the Self
For many of us, saying No is hard. Saying No to a tender matter of the heart is even harder. This week, I share about a conversation I had with a dear friend about that. Don't be misled by the title - it applies to more than just romance.
A friend of mine, a successful, wildly wildly attractive woman who is living the dream life of so many people including myself — location independent, making great income doing what she loves — has a challenge that many people will also dream of having.
So many guys are after her that she doesn’t know how to turn those down both kindly and also effectively.
The most recent tricky case is a man she sees as a friend and almost a mentor who expresses his interest in becoming her romantic partner.
She knows he gives her extra attention, but still was surprised at this proposal.
She explains to him that she is in a tricky situation with another love interest. She also intuitively believes this won’t work out from having been physically intimate with him.
The feeling, at least for now, is not romantic but more of admiration and respect.
He pushes on though, like a real man who pursues what he wants, which makes her even more uncomfortable. She knows she has to cut this hope for romance somehow, but she definitely wants to keep the friendship.
She comes asking me for advice on how to have this conversation.
She worries that this rejection will hurt his ego. She also feels a bit guilty that she cannot reciprocate.
Plus she doesn’t want to express that there is something off in the chemistry, that in the heat of passion he maybe deluding himself that there is something potential here.
That’s her truth, but saying that will be too rough for him and possibly cut off any friendship down the line.
Somehow she trusts me as the harmless innocent guy who has fresh perspectives and who knows a thing or two about being lovingly straightforward. I see that as being analytical about the messy human dimension. Whatever her impression is, I do love this work of guiding people. Plus it’s so wonderful when your friend comes sharing with you her challenges like that.
There is a lot in our conversation that is applicable in other human relationships, not just romantic ones, that I’d like to share here.
It was one of those luxurious conversations with frequent pauses, rich silences and occasional laughs that will keep singing inside us for a few days after. We were very open in our troubled yet joyous heart and grounded in our body.
I thank her for choosing me to confide and preamble our chat with my intention:
“I could have walked you through the step by step of how to have an conversation like that well, but that would be doing you and your growth a disservice. Let me share some perspectives.”
The following is a re-organized edited version of what I share.
Beginning with Celebration
The fact that we are having this conversation means that it’s important for you, that whatever he does has touched a vulnerable and tender part of you.
Usually you play the role of being a strong woman who achieves whatever goal she sets out to achieve.
How often do you yourself get to experience this part of you like this? Its rare appearance has to be celebrated! Yay!
Confusion and awkwardness aside, how wonderful and flattering it is to be on the receiving end of someone boldly putting his whole self forward like that?
I don’t know about you, but I want to be more like him. I’m inspired to put myself forward like that more often, to go after what I want…
Behind the guilt of non-reciprocity
Guilt is a strange emotion. It happens with expectation, most often the one that we have on ourselves. We expect ourselves to be good, nice, kind, smart, moral, hard-working etc.. and guilt comes when we don’t live up to it. It’s a roundabout, less angry kind of disappointment.
In this case, you only feel guilty when you believe that you’ve got to reciprocate. It may not be his expectation but probably yours, like “I expect myself to a good person and a good person will reciprocate good will.”
Guilt tends to trap oneself in that stuck zone. In contrast, remorse is when we want to do something for others because something bad has happened.
It makes me wonder if behind the guilt that we cannot reciprocate is our inability to receive. We cannot trust that life and people will give us freely, so we don’t dare to receive fully. “I have to reciprocate, so if I cannot do so I will not receive.” Who said so?
Let’s consider on his end first, since you maybe worrying for him. What if in giving you so much of himself, without you having to reciprocate anything, he already got in return the joy of experiencing his own generosity?
On your end, what if you trust that he really meant it when he said he just wanted to give to you? Knowing the calibre of who you are, a man who deserves your consideration has to be someone who says what he means, right?
If you still don’t trust he meant what he said, then maybe let’s look at how you trust.
I know it’s hard because most of us are taught to see that every exchange will have a string attached.
We all have been in situation of false hope: “There is no string attached. Amazing! But wait there is..” But the past can only inform, not control us.
Which is why this time is such a great invitation to unlearn such conditioning.
Isn’t it interesting that we have such a thing called “guilty pleasure”? It used to be that guilt is about having or doing what’s bad, and pleasure is about having or doing what’s good. Mixing them up like this is quite a recent invention.
As with any other uncomfortable emotions, when we are caught in our own guilt, almost all of us, perhaps except for the saints and buddhas, fidget around to avoid feeling it fully… we have to sit with that unease for a while so that it can be heard and maybe then it will quiet down.
(We paused for a few minutes in silence)
Hold the Idealist, but let go of the outcome.
Another thing that makes this situation sticky is that you cherish this friendship a lot, and that turning down his forward proposal will jeopardize it.
The stickiness comes from a part of you that is so wonderfully hopeful.
Call her your inner Idealist. She believes that it’s possible to just be friend, classmate and potential collaborator. Yes, it is possible, and we don’t know if that possibility can become reality or not. What an exquisite risk!
When I went through a breakup, what held me back was this very hope. The Idealist in me wanted us to be friends still, so it held on and on.
The pain came from the Idealist overpowering the other parts of me who were screaming: “This will not work, my needs are not met, this hurt too much!!!”.
Indeed the pain got too much that the Idealist had to give up. To the idealist, the whole thing felt like a defeat and huge let down, but gosh, every other part of me was rejoicing in peace. Maybe we didn’t win, but at least the war stopped!
Giving up doesn’t mean the Idealist disappears. It just means she’s no longer the sole voice who is stuck in the throne of my whole life. To use a corporate language that you know well, the Idealist is promoted (or demoted, depending on how you see it) from the CEO position to a Board of Advisor.
The Idealist will always have high hope and dream. Doomed if we abandon her, since life will be so terribly uninspiring. Yet what’s more important is that we acknowledge what she hopes for.
Once we do so and realize that she’s not our only voice, we won’t feel so torn when we have to say No to the current way the relationship is, which means it may end for now and maybe for good.
My Idealist is already screaming with that last phrase… Its holding on and trying to control the outcome is what makes the cutting so difficult.
The principle here is that you get to want whatever you want. Whether that happens or not is not totally under your control. The first is about integrity. The second is about surrender.
The part we can and have to do is to acknowledge and express our intention of what we want, which in both of our cases is to continue the relationship in whatever form it takes.
That’s all.
Surprisingly, once we genuinely acknowledge what we want, we don’t hold on as tightly to the specific outcome. Then surrender naturally happens. Our tunnel vision is suddenly expanded. We could see more possibilities that align with our intention.
It’s sheer wonder to experience this process.
The Trouble of Being A Good Person
So far we hear that there is a fear of the consequences of saying No, that he will get upset and cut down any possibility for future friendship.
Yes, there is that fear of losing potential value in this relationship or worrying about all the awkward future interaction.
But that alone wouldn’t have caused such turmoil.
Consequence is always of the future. What makes it really sticky is in the Now. That right now there is a part of you that wants to be seen as a good, kind and gentle person who doesn’t hurt other’s feeling and doesn’t burn bridges.
As a personal example, I am attached to that identity of being “a good and kind person who values relationships” for so long it is almost who I am.
The thing is, it’s only almost. Not always. I can also be a ruthless, self-serving guy who doesn’t give a damn sometimes.
I have to name that version, to acknowledge that it is there so that it doesn’t suddenly sneak out and explode when we want it the least.
How? Repeat after me.
“I am a kind person who cares about other’s feeling.”
“I am not a kind person who cares about other’s feeling.”
How does that feel in your body saying that?
There should be little bit discomfort and tension somewhere. Breathe and stay aware of that. It’s discomfort, not dying.
Be with that discomfort for a little bit until it becomes bearable. The stuckness is a physical tension. Without getting in touch with that physical felt sense, whatever we talk out loud now will not help much.
(We did this for a few minutes. The air thinned out, wrapping us in its comforting silence)
Ego Hurts, Essence Shines
Now that we are clear on your end the good-person belief, let’s consider the practical worry that you will hurt his ego.
Usually people will say “C’mon, it may hurt a little bit now but you are sparing yourself at future misery. Toughen up to deliver the truth!”
That’s true, but if only we can all be that rational… and even if we are, that’s missing the emotional juiciness (or bitterness in this case) of being human.
Here is where things got a bit tripped up. First, you are assuming you have the power to hurt him. That’s wonderful. Kudos to woman empowerment! (Note: I was being a bit cheeky…) Is that true though? What if he’s a resilient man?
More importantly, worrying that you will hurt his ego is holding that wonderful man a little bit too small.
The ego is the self-protective mechanism, the small, fearful part of us that will shut off upon rejection. Because it is our interface with life, the ego will be bruised no matter what.
But there is a deeper essence, deeper than all the conditioned patterns that we call ego, that is yearning to know the impact we have on each other. That essence yearns to know what our presence has meant something to someone.
It’s that part that compels us to go beyond the small, fearful, isolated self to reach out and connect.
Everyone these days talks about the importance of connection. Fewer talk about how scary and vulnerable it is… Any connection is essentially saying “I’m here for you. Will you be here too?” It’s costly because once one has given that presence away, it’s gone forever.
If this wonderful man is simply wanting to be liked, i.e his ego seeking validation, he will not dare to put himself so much forward like that. I know you know that he is much more than that, which is why he is so admirable in the first place.
Before we discuss how to say this nicely, let’s backtrack to our approach first.
You have to address both the ego and the essence. The question now is what one would you speak more to?
To care for the ego, and we definitely do have to care for it, is to ask “how can I say this nicely without causing too much damage?” This is a great and very important question.
But it should come after another question: “What beauty would I like to see from both of us in this conversation?” Asking that is to care for the essence. Too often we confuse the order of these two. I think the latter should come first.
What does it look like to put essence first in this case where you have to say No to such a sweet proposal?
Embrace sharing what you felt, beginning with the pleasant ones but please do not ignore the unpleasant ones.
In sharing more of how you genuinely feel, you are honoring that deeper essence of him that wants to connect and know what his presence has meant.
The ego may be bruised, but the essence of you and him will shine.
I don’t think you can ever hurt that essence. You can only choose to bring it out more and more.
We often aren’t aware or have the courage to reveal it.
Let this be the chance.
Postscript
Two days later, my friend told me that she had a great conversation. It was less awkward and more humorous than she thought. They understood each a lot more and thus became closer, just not in the expected way. I was glad. Two people just discovered more beautiful things about themselves. 🎁
A conversation doesn’t have to solve anything. It only needs to bring us to the next step.
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Read the post here on Medium.
Sharing is sprouting.
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Quotes
“A pivotal character must not merely desire something. He must want it so badly that he will destroy or be destroyed in the effort to attain his goal.” - Lajos Egri
Applicable beyond storytelling. Even the Buddha upon enlightenment has to destroy everything he knew about who he was.
Follow up: When the protagonist destroys or is destroyed, she achieves the point of insight, a new way of looking at the world that allowed her to finally move beyond the obstacles.
Reading
The Importance of Dancing Like an Idiot by The School of Life. Very apt for this week.
"We need, urgently, to recover a sense of the universal benefit and impact of dancing. But the greatest enemy of this is fear, and in particular, the fear – as we may put it – that we will look ‘like an idiot’ in front of people whose opinion might matter. The way through this is not to be told that we will in fact appear really rather fine and, with a bit of effort, very far from idiotic. Quite the opposite; we should accept with good grace that the whole point of redemptive, consoling, cathartic communal dancing is a chance to look like total, thoroughgoing idiots, the bigger the better, in the company of hundreds of other equally and generously publically idiotic fellow humans."
here's the kicker: "Looking like an idiot shouldn’t be a risk: it’s the point."
Listening
Only music this week but if you want to find a nice soft dance playlist, here is a great one from my Contact Improv teacher Moti Zemelman. (his profile has great music too!)
Lastly..
Poem for the week
For the Rebels and the Misfits
by Toko-pa Turner
For the rebels and the misfits, the black sheep and the outsiders.
For the refugees, the orphans, the scapegoats, and the weirdos.
For the uprooted, the abandoned, the shunned and invisible ones.
May you recognize with increasing vividness that you know what you know.
May you give up your allegiances to self-doubt, meekness, and hesitation.
May you be willing to be unlikeable, and in the process be utterly loved.
May you be impervious to the wrongful projections of others, and may you deliver your disagreements with precision and grace.
May you see, with the consummate clarity of nature moving through you, that your voice is not only necessary, but desperately needed to sing us out of this muddle.
May you feel shored up, supported entwined, and reassured as you offer yourself and your gifts to the world.
May you know for certain that even as you stand by yourself, you are not alone.
Have a great week everyone,
Khuyen
p/s: Do reach out general conversations about life. I'd love to be helpful.