The Loose Ends You Forgot to Tie 🎁
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Hello from Bali everyone,
As this decade 2010s comes to an end, many of us are wrapping things up, taking stock of the past and planning for the future. As you begin that process, let me share with you something I learned recently about planning in my dance & movement class the other day.
The instruction was to scan our body with our attention from head to toe. Then, we plan exactly our next movement in our mind. Take time to imagine in toe-and-hip level of details. For example, take three steps forward, twirl the right leg and hip to the left side, drop down to the floor beginning with the head and then rise up leading with the left arm.
Then we execute that plan.
Nothing special so far, yes?
Try it right now.
Scan the body for about 30 seconds, then plan in your mind a simple sequences of movement (so not just raise your right hand but turn your pinkie to the right and twist your torso left or something like that)
Do it. The next line can wait.
Finished moving yet?
Here is the next important instruction.Once you finish executing the movement, drop all the judgments and immediately begin scanning and planning again.
For a split second as you began the move, you'll notice a mental judgment such as "Oh crap didn't follow the plan" or "ah dang I'm just making things up" or "that looks stupid". Notice it and move on.
Do it now for two more cycles of scan-plan-execute. Okay?
What do you notice?
For me, first it's really hard to plan exactly for things. You kind of vaguely know the gist of the movement, but forcing clarity is inherently very uncomfortable for most of us. Yet that is a skill that can be trained.
Second, judgment will inevitably arise, and we can choose to drop it as we wished. Imagine being released from the grip of result "IT HAS TO BE THIS WAY" and how much lighter your inner dialog would be. Strangely enough, that insisting voice is the one that is holding us back from the unfolding that is happening.
Third, it doesn't mean you stop planning though. It doesn't matter that the plan is followed as much as we become aware of what the planning does on us.
It creates concentration, i.e being very involved with the moment. This is why we plan. Not for achieving the exact result (while that can be nice), but for the state of being present, aware, focused.
Let me repeat this Aha. Planning is not so much for achieving the outcome but for the state of being present. Phew, take a breath from that intense exercise.
I found this such a powerful reminder about the often false dichotomy we make up about present vs future.
If you read about mindfulness and the whole practice of being present, you may wonder: how does planning, which inherently seems to be about the future, fit into this "present" thing? Does the Zen master not ever plan?
The obvious answer is: be present with the planning process.
Let me bring this to your year end planning by a note given to me by my wise friend Sabine.
"Complete in the Now
When you are no longer depend on your future for fulfillment, you will realize a peace or presence. Since your "now" is not dependent on the future for your salvation, you are no longer addicted to the results, and neither failure nor success have the power to change your inner-self. You have now found life underneath your life situation. In this state of wholeness, you will be able to pursue external goals with great energy because you will no longer have the illusory expectation that anything or anybody in the future will save you or make you happy. Once you realize that you are already complete, there will be a playful, joyous energy behind what you do. You are no longer driven by fear, discontentment or the need to become someone. Since those things do not motivate you, you are also free from the disappointment when they don't fulfill your expectations." Stan Tyra.
If you have been reflecting and celebrating the ups and downs of the past year, you will naturally find yourself in a state of wholeness and acceptance. Life is good and bad and deeply okay.
Take some time to be in that cherishing state. Let it hold you, wrap around you and caress you like a skilled masseur who knows intimately your pains and press them into pleasures.
From that state, you can begin planning for future.
The process of planning (thinking through the destinations, the paths, the steps) helps with aligning our rational part towards a vision. Without such re-arranging and cleaning up, it's very difficult to stay present.
I have come to appreciate this part after having gone through several phases of rejecting all sorts of planning as a reaction against the overly structured life.
I have also met the "go with the flow", "no plan is the best plan" type of people (especially in a place like Ubud Bali where many transient lost souls gather).
They miss an important point. Sometimes it's not so much about having a plan to achieve the goal.
Rather, planning itself is mentally very satisfying. It's just a different kind of pleasure, a little bit more active like doing yoga rather than chilling at a vegan restaurant or getting a massage.
Especially if you do it from a place of wholeness and acceptance in your heart (i.e literally inside the left chest) and well as in the whole body from head to toe, you will find the experience itself immensely rewarding.
It's like doing a massage for your mind, aligning all the different parts by a firm pressing on stuck points, followed by tender releasing of tension and rapid stroking of new ideas.
(I remember once doing a business strategy planning with my colleague while getting a massage. We were both mentally and physically aware of what's going on. I know, it's a taboo thing to blend work & chill but we all have weird sense of pleasure...)
Most importantly, because you do the planning in such a beautiful state, you will also intuitively know that the future achievement that the plan seems to promise will be a nice cherry topping to the already delicious cake called your current life.
It's worth remembering that we can enjoy both, especially the their different nuanced flavors. (FWIW, I am learning to enjoy plain cake more than sweet cherry)
With that, good luck with the reflection & planning for the new year and see you in 2020!
Khuyen
ps: If you are looking for something else rather than setting goals and resolution, check out Pick a Theme.
pss: this staircase in Bali is my wish for all of us.
The Loose Ends You Forget to Tie
This week, I wrote a short post about a small struggle that I have over the holiday: the inclination to work while wanting to be present with people you love. I hope that it helps you.
It’s that time of the year to wind down and wrap up at work.
Except that there seems to be too much work that, like trying to tie a bag too full of stuff, you may end up bursting yourself.
This short reminder is for the few of you who, like me, enjoy work a little bit too much that you feel a bit torn during this holiday season. “I still have to work!”, you found yourself lamenting. Yet deep down, you know you do want to do more work.
You may have tied up loose ends with your projects and told your colleagues that your days off begin on Tuesday at 130p. You may even have used several exclamation marks in your vacation auto responder because heck, ain’t nobody can wait for chillax!
Yet you still find yourself over the holiday the urge to check your email and even sneak in to do some work. You are not alone. We are worker bees, closeted or public.
(If you are “Hell yeah it’s my holiday I’m going to chillaxxx” then feel free to skip this. Or read on to understand your fellow worker bees a bit better. Maybe you have a part like that too.)
Many worker bees have been complained and sometimes guilt-tripped that they haven’t made enough time for other people. We kind of know too that at the end of the day on our death bed what matters more is the relationships we have grown together with our loved ones.
True.
But if knowing that alone is enough, we wouldn’t have to struggle like this.
Is your FB wall filled with well-meaning advice “be present for the holiday” yet?
Well, mine is, and I’m starting to feel a bit nervous because how am I supposed to do that? Just take another deep breath and hope the tension goes away?
That advice is missing one important piece.
We forgot to honor ourselves for doing the work.
Let me explain first what I mean by “work”.
Work in the sense of meaningful, emotional labor, not only “finishing that proposal” or “sending that emails” but also “cleaning the house to prepare for Xmas” or “putting up with the constant family nagging” or “listening to my friend who is feeling distraught”.
Work not only a way to make money (work as job) or to create more opportunities for the future (work as career) but also an expression of who you are and what you bring to this world (work as calling).
One common reason for the worker bees to continue working over the holiday is that you don’t want to miss a deadline with your colleague or boss. Perhaps this comes from performance anxiety or fear of letting other people down, especially if they depend on your work to make progress. In such case, you may need to re-negotiate deadline and manage expectation better next time. You don’t want to be seen as an unreliable person because you are a professional, aren’t you?
Yet more often than not, I have found that what makes me work more is deeper than those fears. This is where the motto “Don’t ask what you do for work, ask what work does for you” comes in handy.
Take a few minutes to muse on that question of what work does for you.
Besides obvious answers like “makes money” or “creates future opportunities”, here are a few more classic ones:
a sense of progress: you can see the changes on whatever you are making, how it is becoming closer to what you imagine. That keeps you going.
a sense of meaning & contribution: your work makes a difference to the direct person you work with, your team, the company, the mission that you devote yourself to.
Try going a bit deeper. I got a few surprising answers myself.
a chance to deepen self-trust: I have made a commitment to deliver this by that deadline, and I will make that happen. I honor my own words by showing up to what I have committed to. Every time I can do that, I’m feeling a greater sense of self-trust and integrity. Any reasonable self-aware person cannot stand too long the tension between the two opposing self-image “I am a responsible worker” and “I keep missing the deadlines”.
a venue for expression: Whether you talk, write, draw, sing or build companies, your work is an expression of something you have been thinking, feeling, noticing etc.. A few examples.
“I’ve been feeling uncomfortable and noticing that we are not meeting our target this quarter. Let’s find a solution.” That conversation is work.
“I’ve been thinking about this, I’ll need to write that down or talk to someone”. That writing down is work.
“I’ve been noticing how dirty my room is, I’ll need to clean it up.” That mopping the floor is work.
The gap between what is thought of, felt, seen or noticed and its expression is the creative tension that births your work. How you feel about it — yay, nay or meh — will depend on both ends of the gap.
If you have not been noticing anything, then there is no need for expression. But if you do, and I assume you do just like me, you’ll have to express.
Your list maybe and perhaps should be different. The point is to know your own worker bee makeups.
For what?
Because that part of us is looking to fulfill something through work. Yet something still doesn’t feel enough, so the bee keeps working. The suffering continues, but it doesn’t have to be that way.
The antidote to that sense of lack is not more work. Let alone “do more with less” productivity. It is the honoring of that part of us who loves our work.
What if you can unabashedly acknowledge it like speaking an eulogy at its funeral? Something like “this bee dedicates most of his energy to the deepening of trust and its own expression”?
Please do so with genuine appreciation, because heck, it works hard and it cares a lot! It knows when you are silently judging it. Check in with yourself if you feel okay or “yikes!” with that acknowledgment. Stay with the yikes until it’s okay.
Some put their hands around their chest and tell themselves “Thank you for working hard” or “I do enough”. Others like me sit down to reflect on it.
Whatever you do doesn’t matter as much as the attitude you bring. Acknowledgement in its essence is to say “I know you, I see you and I give thanks to you”.
Once you take time to honor it (and it doesn’t have to take that long), you will find a sense of relief, often a loosening of tension somewhere in the body.
It is as if that worker bee part can finally rest and thus release its tight grip. From “omg omg omg, have to work, have to do this, have to finish that” to a looong satisfying sigh “I’m not sure if it’s okay… Let’s see. Okay. It’s okay, it’s actually okay”.
Some call that a release. Others say it’s self-acceptance or unconditional love. Take time. Give yourself a breath, another breath, one more long luxurious breath. The experience can be tender and even bring tears to your eyes. Cherish that beautiful final touch.
As a wrap up, it’s hard to be present with others if we are not present with ourselves, our own struggles and glories. As such, if you struggle with being present at the holiday, take some time to tie up these inner loose ends into a pretty ribbon.
Become a gift for yourself. Then you can give yourself to those you love.
ps: The bonus of this simple practice is that your work will likely get better, if you choose to continue working. (I do, because what work does to me is that it gives me a chance to experience Love).
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Announcement
I am writing a book with my co-author Steven D'Souza. It will be a continuing exploration of all of what I have been writing here. It's temporarily titled "Not Being", and it will be a deep inquiry into the sense of self. Or the separate self that you call you and I call I.
What is it like to live and inquire into the process, nuances, aches and bliss of being, becoming and losing this self, together, in this modern world, in this 2020 time?
We will weave the personal, practical and philosophical into this inquiry. Personal as in the subjective dimension of our life, our inner world. Practical as in the objective dimension, the being-in-the-world, getting-thing-done. Philosophical as in the nuanced, poetic yet specific link between the two.
What if, as Mark Nepo said, "every inner crack is also an outer opening"? That the inner work of knowing oneself is not only inherently rewarding but also immensely practical for our outer life of success and achievement?
On a practical note, I'm experimenting with a new format for this newsletter in order to shift my focus on writing the book.
- Weekly short reading & sharing: I'll do in-depth commenting of one or two beautiful readings I found that you may enjoy reading too.
- Monthly essay: I'll write more completed essays on the above themes and you'll get a sneak peak into the book writing process.
I am excited for this change, and I am looking forward to hearing from those of you who have been following and supporting me with your generous attention. 🙏
Lastly..
Too much thinking for the decade already. Let's end this newsletter with something more fun. A cheeky poem.
Reverse Living by Norman Glass
Life is tough.
It takes up a lot of your time. All your weekends.
And what do you get at the end of it -
Death - A great reward.
I think that the life cycle is all backwards.
You should die first. Get it out of the way.
Then you live 20 years in an old folks home.
You get kicked out when you're too young.
You get a good watch. You go to work.
You work for 40 years until you are young enough to enter college. You learn to party until you are ready for High School.
You go to High School, Grade School,
You become a little kid.
You play, you have no responsibilities.
You become a little baby.
You go back into the womb.
You spend the last nine months floating
Only to finish off as a gleam in somebody' eyes.
(p/s: Woody Allen has another version of this, which ends with an orgasm 😂)
Khuyen
p/s: Do reach out general conversations about life. I'd love to be helpful.