What do you want to learn when you grow up?
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Hello everyone,
In Vietnam, tomorrow Nov 20th is Teacher's Appreciation day. It's often a beautiful day of celebration where all the teachers from kindergarten to post-graduates get a dedicated day to hear from their students. This makes me think about being a lifelong learner and the people I have and am continuing to learn from.
As much as I'd fantasize being a curious and engaged lifelong learner (and I imagine some people see me that way), as a now young adult I am actually not that interested in learning everything. I'm narrowing down in my life experiences. Surprisingly, this deepening process has given me lots of joys . It really helps with our sanity to be clear of what each learning experiences look like and mean to us. Here is an example of how to understand different kinds of teachers and how we learn from them.
First, there are people who teach us things that we want to learn.
We admire them for certain qualities or knowledge, or we hope they can help us with our issues. That's why we go to them, sign up to their courses and receive their teachings.
Second, there are those who teach us things we don't even know we want to learn.
Some of them we encounter them rather briefly, like a stranger who point us into the right direction when we are lost, be it geographically or spiritually. Some others we stay with for a long time (like a partner who makes us see parts of us that we didn't even want to see).
Then there are those who teach us things we upfront don't want to learn, but have to in order to move on.
These are often our "enemies" or tough experiences.
I don't want to enter a trauma "Who got it worse?" competition because we are all fucked up , but suffice to say that what we can develop from hardship is not only perseverance but also compassion for those who have or will have to go through it.
I had an experience like that in taking the most challenging Computer Science course in college (we joked that it's called Comp40 because it takes about 40 hours per week. Nah, in reality it took only about 25-35 hours. ONLY, yup)
It has led to a personal breakdown which I spoke on stage and
wrote about. I've got to know my own neurosis by pushing it to the extreme.
Coming out of the class, I definitely grew in perseverance, but way more importantly I am more compassionate for those who have to go through a hard experience because "it's the right thing everyone does" or "it's good to train my toughness". I understand the pain and dissatisfaction of doing something hard just for the sake of its hardness. Sure, it works for some people who thrive in pure intense challenges. I thought I'm that type of intensity-loving person too, but after the experience of learning by not doing.
We regularly underestimate the importance of having a deep purpose and a sense of meaning before they have to face challenges, which inevitably will arise if we want to do anything significant at all.
In hindsight,I will definitely not take that class again now, and I'm unsure if I wanted to go through it again in the first place. Probably not.
Not all battles are worth fighting, so pick wisely. For those that are worthwhile, let's go all in. That's where we learn & grow.
In that spirit of appreciation of learning, I want to share a short post on what I have been learning about coaching from doing it more formally for more than a year.
It's partly philosophical and partly personal. It's also practical, but not in the sense of teaching any skills (which you can find in many sources online) Rather, it aims to create an experience of understanding of the human condition, which hopefully will guide you in looking at the right direction to learn whatever practical skills you may need.
It is a part of my fundraising plan to further my coaching education, so if you or anyone you know want to find ways to support you may want to read the whole post.
Enjoy and happy becoming,
Khuyen
Let go of outcome, but keep the desire.
We live in an attention economy where everyone is competing for everyone’s else scarce attention. Yet what surprises me is the most is that while I think I am giving away attention to someone, I often end up feeling more energized, clear and have even more attention to give. It is experientially weird.
Truth & Love
This piqued my curiosity about coaching: “What exactly is the essence of this work?”
In theory, if all I do is to ask questions and listen, I could program a decision-tree type of algorithm that ask people different questions depending on their circumstances and lead them to their answers. (some AI are already doing that) In practice, my presence seems to matters.
“DUHHHHH". I hear you say. "Of course your presence matters".
Not so fast. What is my presence then? What is the essence of two people being present to each other in the service of understanding and growth?
This inquiry reminds me of what my coach Sarah once told me recently:
"Khuyen, you have a profound knowing that comes from a sensitive heart. It's a focused and directional beam of love and light that guides people to their truth. As the north star, it shines without doing anything. It just is.“
What she said has penetrated me much more than a nice ego stroke. I remember what that powerful experience being coached by her felt like. It was as if she held me to the present moment such that I could not run away from myself. When I am fully present to what’s true for me not just in my thought but my whole being, magic happened. The ancient Greek has two words for truth. Veritas is the common one we use, meaning “truth as corresponding to reality” that can be verified and thus makes up for the basis of empirical science. Yet there is also the less used word for truth. Aletheia means unconcealed, not hidden, evident. In that moment, it was the alethic truth that set me free. What’s the essence of this work of coaching then? What’s behind that pursuit of knowing oneself and knowing others? One inkling of an answer came through a quote by Octavia Paz on Love.
“Love is one of the clearest examples of that double instinct which causes us to dig deeper into our own selves and, at the same time, to emerge from ourselves and to realize ourselves in another.”
Love – a sculpture at Burning Man - Image credits: Andrew Miller.
Aha. I never see love this way, yet it makes so much sense for what I’ve been experiencing. No wonder love feels so great and challenging at times. It’s so great because of the satisfying depth, and it’s so challenging because the deeper we go in one direction, the harder it is to re-emerge on the other. This is where the act of loving meets coaching. How could I give you my exquisite attention while still staying aware of what’s happening for me? On the other side, how could I keep tuning into what is true here inside me while still holding you in your highest potential? This heightened dual awareness of self and other in coaching work turns to be not too different from my Contact Improvisation dance practice.
Such interplay of intentionality and surrender, conclusion and exploration keep us present on our feet. What we harvest from such presence are moments of delicious Ahas. Such conversational dance is always a treat for us. We left both satisfied yet unfinished, as my friend Michael often says after our coaching conversation, “till next time we twirl again”.
This work for me, in essence, is about truth and love.
We are all searching for something
Whether it is a practical search for a solution for problem at work or ways to improve an existing relationship. Whether it is the awakening to spirituality, the longing of a soulmate or a calling to find your place in the world. Whether it is the entrepreneurial drive to make a million dollar just for the heck of it (yup, someone is really doing that) or the ambition to have the biggest impact possible.
Whether it is the search for self, for the right work, for love or oftentimes all of those.
Along that search, we all need guidance at one point or another. As a fellow seeker who has traversed on those paths, I’m invigorated not so much by what you are searching for but rather by the integrity you bring to it. Whether you want to make tons of money or finding the meanings of life or both, it’s your wholeheartedness that inspires my commitment.
Reflecting on my ownjourney thus far, it's becoming clearer and clearer that what I have always loved, wished for, dreamed about and will commit my life to is the search for understanding: of our terrifying and terrific work in the world, of our tumultuous and tender relationship with one another and of our experience of being fleshy human on a sensuous earth in this “one wild and precious life” (Mary Oliver)
This is not only a rational, objective study. While that is important, at the same time it has to also be a personal, wholehearted and passionate inquiry that breathes more life into both the observed and the observer.
True understanding is not passive. Rather, like a light beam that penetrates our foggy mental occupation, it liberates our attention so that we have greater capacity to choose and act. Personally, it fuels me to write, teach, reach out and engage even more.
On a both practical and philosophical note, this is not only the challenge of my Enneagram type Five as some of you may know but also the metaphysical challenge of our time.
The researcher in me needs to remember that understanding is not only to deconstruct (taking things apart to know which is which) but also to reconstruct (reconnecting those pieces and creating a new vision of what serves life).
Meanwhile, the guide in me must not forget that this guiding work is not only about changing life or making an impact but also about shifting our ways of understanding those fundamental questions of being human. It’s both who we are and who we choose to become.
Such paradoxical nature makes the path I'm walking on both fascinating and tricky. And I'll need your help by showing up and supporting me in whatever ways that seem right. 🙏
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Read the full fundraising post here on Coda
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Quotes
"Judge the moths by the beauty of its candle." - Rumi
Also by the way it burns in flame, I'll add.
What a beautiful metaphor for being in the world and going in all in!
Reading
An interview and beautiful articulation by the philosopher poet David Whyte on the necessary of our inadequacy.
"Do you believe it is our own power we sometimes fear in the invitation to examine the self? David Whyte: Perhaps more accurately, it is our fear of not being large enough, generous enough, or brave enough to fully incarnate that power. One of the reasons we refuse to make proper, clear invitations to others, why we are fearful of making invitations, whether in leadership in the corporate world, or in the intimacies of a marriage, is that the invitation is always interpreted and received in larger ways than we intended. A real invitation always leads to a real conversation, to a way forward, not to an arrived platform. It is many times a way forward we do not feel we are equal to: part of this way forward is to start to learn to have faith in the conversation itself as our way forward in a good work or a good marriage."
Why is this so hard to face our own power? Because in order to truly embrace it, everything we know about ourselves, our usual comfortable ways of being have to change..
Listening
Slightly different this week: it's some music! I got a chance to hear the famed Vietnamese musician Tri Nguyen to play the traditional zither (dan tranh). It's so beautifully composed and arranged to the modern taste while still keeping the essence of the string instrument. Highly recommend for both the Vietnamese and the non-Vietnamese who want to know about Vietnam's evolving culture & heritage! Here is him on Spotify.
Lastly..
a brilliant one-liner for us all as we go into the week.
"Ask not what you do for work, but what work does for you."- Anonymous, Paraphasing JFK's well-known "What you do for your country" quote.
Helpful reminder to ourselves: what are we getting from work? Is that need being met? If not, how?
Have a great week everyone,
Khuyen
p/s: Do reach out for the Inner Critic Assessment or general conversations about life. I'd love to be helpful.