The Dance of Inner Growth
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Hello friends,
Last week post on the paradox of self-acceptance has prompted quite a bit of responses. My friend Job’s response particularly made me ponder more.
I think the problem is that we don't want to accept the truth that we are selfish and so broken in nature, and only want to think that we are full of capacity to do good for others. We have no problem accepting the good parts about us, but the ugly parts we hesitate, to the point that sometimes we don't want to deal with it, ignore it, and forget about it. Worse, sometimes we recognize it, like the participant in this story, and we try to overcome it with other good parts we have --the so called balance.
This is the challenge of "growth-oriented" people like us whose almost always equate "growth" with effortful "rising up to challenge". Here a distinction that has helped me a ton in this.
There is growth by effort, and there is also growth by grace.
Continues Job:
If you rebel against your mom, say, by accidentally cursing her, you don't become a good kid by getting A's from all your classes. You can't make up your wrong by doing good things to compensate. Instead, you need to go to her and apologize. You need to accept that you've done wrong.
I’d also say that you also need to ask for forgiveness.
Acceptance is growth by effort. Forgiveness is growth by grace, which I call the inexplicable and oftentimes logic-defying goodness of life. You can work on your self-acceptance, but you can only hope for forgiveness.
Let’s talk about the self-acceptance piece, i.e the work that we can do and often have to struggle with.
First, why bother at all? What happens when we work through acceptance of who we are?
One immediate benefit that got most people interested in this inner work is the relief of inner tension. With more acceptance, our seeming contradiction no longer causes unproductive tension but rather adds depth to our personhood.
Why depth? Because, like aged wine, it just tastes better. And it's not just for you. You friends will get to taste your depth. It's one of life's utmost pleasures to get drunken from the deep beingness of our friends.
Now that you maybe more motivated, the next question is “What exactly is this work of self-acceptance?” The technical term for the task here is psychological integration, a process that David Richo in his little insightful book "How to be an Adult" writes at length about:
We have integrated a healthy ego when we comfortably contain the full spectrum of our thoughts and behavior, both the positive and the negative, i.e. “I am much more assertive now but occasionally still passive.”
Integration is not total anything; it is simply a continuous rearranging of the proportions of life.
Now we are more open and less guarded but both spectrums still appear in our overall behavior. We seek to improve ourselves still but expect less on how much change needs to happen (think 10% Happier) and from that letting go of expectation comes certain lightness.
Okay, integration sounds cool and interesting. But I'm struggling with the lower, baser, worthless parts of me, what can I do?
Step Zero: Celebrate.
One of the best thing you can do to anyone who is struggling in this self-acceptance work, including yourself, is to celebrate the struggle and the genuine effort put into it.
"Celebrate the struggle? I do get that we may have to celebrate the small wins, but what is there about the struggle that is so important?", you protest.
Counter intuitive as it may sound, it's not only about lightening the mood but also about deepening our awareness of the larger journey. Oftentimes as growth-oriented people we are too busy overcoming our struggles that we forget to honor where we are.
As David Richo writes,
"Every step on the path of the hero's journey is sacred: the original crossing of the threshold, the struggle, the return with higher consciousness. The hero is always complete because he is acting in accord with here and now unfolding challenges. The struggle is thus equal in value to the prize because both honor what that moment can offer. Full self-esteem thus is ours while we confront our fears, work on them, and integrate them."
I find it inspiring and true in my experience that self-esteem doesn't necessarily come from successfully achieving something. (since I don't really have much success in most conventional external measures) Rather, it comes from the integrity of the struggle and how we genuinely show up to ourselves.
Indeed, we are complete in every step. With that awareness, we can proceed.
Step One: Unpacking Judgment
Notice when we make a single judgment about ourselves or others. Then try to unpack it with more details to recognize the complexity.
For example, “I am emotionally stuck,” may be elaborated as “I am depressed and grieving and self-pitying and refusing to self-activate.”
Sounds depressing? It is, and weirdly enough this step uses a rather strange dictum, "it's better to be much worse".
Remember that integration is not about cherry-picking the good feelings and eliminating all the bad feelings but containing & recognizing them all together as a larger, deeper whole. Instead of throwing an unwanted piece of psychological furniture away, you expand your room so that everything got a suitable place.
Interesting enough, acknowledging the parts we have omitted in our judgment (in this case by elaborating on the devil's team) may enrich our sense of our own depth!
Step Two: Articulate paradoxes
Indeed, one feature of an integrated psyche is the capacity to uphold contradictions and embody both/and orientation in addition to either/or.
As our sense of self expands, contradiction (opposing viewpoints) becomes paradox (seemingly opposing viewpoint but makes sense).
As such, it is helpful to articulate to oneself those opposing pieces in a single two-clauses "and" statement.
A personal one that took several years is "I am enough, and I can be more."
You could borrow these statements from the wise Buddhist teacher, Chogyam Trungpa:
"I am my present and my past so new insights will coexist with antiquated beliefs. Instead of attempting to rid myself of my old beliefs, I simply no longer act on them.
I accept challenges while still feeling afraid.
I trust someone while still doubting.
I choose pleasures that may have an element of risk.
I let go of punitiveness while still feeling vengeful.
I ask for what I want generally while still allowing this strong desire to remain a wish.
My self-esteem coexists with occasional self-reproach.
I feel anxious without taking it out on anyone."
If you have followed till this step, you are pretty set with a solid skill of managing your own inner growth that will continuously and sustainably fuel whatever voyages you choose to be on. Good luck!
The Dance of Inner Growth
Sometimes we run away from the development task that we need to do to grow, but we can learn to recognize & celebrate when we are asked to be back into it. PC
The Developmental Role of Psychotherapy & Spiritual Practice
One thing that I love about being in the space of human and consciousness development is that it offers such a powerful lens to understand the human condition. We can frame any challenge, no matter how trivial or painful, as a developmental task and ask ourselves "What is being asked of me here?" "What is being revealed?"
David Richo offers one of those lenses through the distinction between psychotherapy, which helps the ego become healthy, and spiritual practices which help continuously realize the truth of our existence beyond the ego (no matter how healthy it is). These two tracks exist on separate plane and oftentimes happen together.
The metaphor I like to use is sailing on the sea on earth. You have got to sail to different islands, and you always have a horizon over you.
Going from island A to a better island B (being happier, wealthier, more productive etc..) is the psychotherapy ego work. Noticing the horizon is the spiritual work.
It's very common to begin the spiritual journey thinking that the horizon is the goal (i.e seeking enlightenment).
While some people may find chasing an ever-receding line to be romantic endeavor, the horizon is there not for chasing but rather for reminding us of a greater reality beyond our islands.
As such, it's not about seeking as much as it is about noticing.
Technically you can just stay in one place and watch the horizon, which is pretty much what meditation is: sit in stillness and notice the horizonal space where Enlightenment, True Self or God that has always existed.
Yet while the infinite horizon is indeed beautiful and inspiring, there is no reason why that prevents you from traveling from one island to another and exploring the different spaces on your earthy ego or body.
In fact, noticing the horizon gives perspective to the sailing journey of the psyche, knowing that there is a spiritual height beyond those seemingly endless pursuits.
On the other hand, traveling to new islands of different feelings and behaviors reminds us of the beauty and humanity of our inner landscape. Otherwise, such spirituality is disembodied, ethereal and ultimately incomplete. The Buddha didn't just sit under the Bodhi tree: he went on teaching for 45 years around the vast India after his enlightenment. Same with Jesus and other sages. We must acknowledge our own life in order to appreciate what is larger-than-life.
The dance of inner development
Having been through a phase of meaning-of-life crisis and wanting to get away from the world, I'm very much back into the swing of the nitty gritty of bettering myself.
Take a firm stance, get deeply involved in projects, rise up to new challenges, cultivate relationships, improve practical skills, make money.. all those are wonderful islands that I'm energized to soon visit.
(All with an occasional meditation practice to remind myself of the horizon, hopefully)
This returning to ego work reminds me of John Wick, the fictional legendary hitman who, after many failed attempts to retire from the underground world of assassin who keeps pulling him back, has come to accept his faith rather reluctantly.
After two cycles of getting away vs getting ahead like that, I now have a better sense of an inner rhythm. When a shift like that happens between psychological and spiritual track, the temptation is to "stay focused" on the previous track, especially when it has been giving us a lot of kick.
As a close to home example, my roommate just had a spiritual awakening, left his job and had little interest in anything else but meditation. He feels extremely uncomfortable since such change does not make any sense to his previous way of being.
The opposite example would be if my mother after staying for years in a faraway monastery suddenly has an urge that it's time to re-appear in the world.
Once people are set on their track, it's nearly impossible to convince them on the other side. It's like convincing a honeymoon couple to breakup. Just Don't Do It.
In both cases, there will be plenty of resistance until we learn to surrender to the invitation. When I was in my personal growth mode for the first time from age 17 to 22, spiritual work was goal-oriented, aka "meditation that helps with reducing stress and improving productivity". It took a somewhat painful introspective experience to switch to the spiritual track. Then I got stuck in the camp of "the self doesn't exist anyway so what's the point of improving it?" for a long while. I resisted the call to the psychological ego work until life slapped me again when I had to work and live with people who will inevitably reveal my human egoic shortcomings.
When it comes to one's inner development, such calling to switch track is often so subtle that it is rarely a distraction but rather an important yet drown out voice.
The courageous choice is to listen to it and jump. Continue David Richo:
"As we learn to honor timing, we may notice that we alternate between psychological and spiritual emphases in life. At one time, our main motive may be to seek out and respond to challenges, to take hold and become deeply involved in projects and relationships. This is functional ego work and takes rightful precedence over letting go. At another time, what will work best for us are choices that lead to fewer encumbrances, to lightening up, and letting go. This is spiritual unfolding and takes precedence over ego goals."
With experience, it does get easier to recognize and surrender to such calling. Then we begin to relax and enjoy this "falling off track".
"In such a balance (between the ego and our True Self), the ego never again holds up or holds on to any transitory reality as permanently reliable. Rather, it enjoys a continual play of grasping and letting go, giving and receiving, working on what yields to change and resting with what does not yield."
Enjoy the dance of growth and change, wherever you are.
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Quotes I'm contemplating this week
"I have no right to call myself one who knows. I was one who seeks, and I still am, but I no longer seek in the stars or in books; I'm beginning to hear the teachings of my blood pulsing within me. My story isn't pleasant, it's not sweet and harmonious like the invented stories; it tastes of folly and bewilderment, of madness and dream, like the life of all people who no longer want to lie to themselves." - Hermann Hesse
A sharp reminder I got this week about the line of ego work & spiritual work, the earthy messiness of being human. As much as I love reading, writing and thinking, I've got to plunge myself in the deep end of life.
Reading & Listening
(Read) On Meditation by David Richo
"Meditation provides a break from concentration on goals. In meditation we get in touch with that place in ourselves where we are perfect without having to do anything.
The opposite of this is being attached to planning, analyzing, controlling, and trying to make things come out our way. Instead, we can simply accept our present situation and honor it as perfect. This opens us and change happens naturally.We do not meditate to become serene, but only to be here now. Serenity and centeredness happen as we let go of everything that prevents us from being here now—e.g. thoughts, wishes, expectations, attachments." -A very helpful perspective for this week's exploration of psycho-spiritual work.
(Listen) Awakening from the Meaning crisis A great series from John Vervaeke. It seems very appropriate for this week's newsletter theme, and I'd highly recommend to those begin to make the shift in inner development.
Lastly..
a poem for us all as we go into the week
The Task
By Rumi
Your task is not to seek for love
but merely to seek and find the barriers within yourself
that you have built against it.
p/s: Do reach out for the Inner Critic Assessment or general conversations about life. I'd love to be helpful.