A short rant on Unconditional Love.
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Hello everyone,
I hope the sky is blue for you wherever you are. This spontaneous newsletter is a short interim between a longer post that I'm writing about ambition, a topic that maybe relevant to some of you.
Here's glimpse of what is.
I have been contemplating on David Whyte poetic, brilliant and insightful reframing on Ambition. It's so beautiful that it almost brings tears to my eyes.
The authentic watermark running through the background of a life's work is an arrival at generosity, and as a mark of that generosity, and as a mark of that generosity, delight in the hopes of the young: an the giving away to them, not only of the rewards that may have been earned but the rewards in the secret itself, the core artistry that made the journey a journey.
I'm amazed at how I'm in the middle of that "arrival at generosity" as a young adult. Everyday I'm grateful for receiving from the incredible generosity of so many people who are walking on the path of their life's work. At the same time, I'm also feeing a genuine delight in the hopes of many of my peers and younger friends.
That latter delight was surprisingly harder to arrive at. How is this so hard for the young to cheer for his peers? A sense of competition? Feeling insecure about one's success or lack thereof? This brings me to a dear topic: Cynicism.
In retrospect, it's somewhat unbelievable how cynical I used to be with the "wanna change the world" crowd of young people, which I counted myself as part of. FYI, I'm still on the Board of a nonprofit whose mission is to develop such spirit among Southeast Asian communities.
If you are in older and life has beaten you down then I can empathize if you get cynical, but what in the world is happening such that a massive number of young people like me is feeling so??
As a former cynic (its ghost still haunts me from time to time), I can say this: cynics are those longing to trust and connect but don't know how. Behind their cynicism is actually a cry for help. "I'd love to believe in someone or something that is truly good and beautiful, but gosh everything is so darn phony these days I'm so lost!"
I had that realization when I myself was broken open through an Amazing Grace encounter with my mentor Leng. With more understanding, now the question is: How might I deeply feel the cynics' pain and despair yet still have the courage to move forth with fresh eyes and open heart?
Coming out of cynicism took me a while, with the last proverbial straw that broke the camel's back being the encounter with Frances Hesselbein, the 101 year old ex-President of Girl Schout USA, which I wrote about here)
If this 101 year old lady still goes to work everyday and even decided to talk to me, who the heck am I to be cynical?
p/s: I didn't realize how cynicism is such a close topics to my heart. I wrote other two posts about it.
One about an uncle who I used to resent for being so critical and cynical but now I empathize more. Another one is a reminder to myself to accept the mess of other people rather than being cynical about.
Cheers,
Khuyen
ON UNCONDITIONAL LOVE
a short rant on a topic close to my heart.
(reposted first from my FB)
A mentor once told me "Ideally everyone should have two parental figures who show you two different things: conditional and unconditional love".
Most people know conditional love "If you do this, you will be loved / accepted / respected".
In school, you have grade. At work, you have performance review. In relationships, you have mutual expectations. Our conventional society operates on conditions, and most of the time you have got to prove yourself to earn trust. Part of learning to live in the this world is to understand and work with such social mechanism. Ignoring it and you are likely to become a resentful hermit. Carrying this into adult life and you are bound to be successful because at least in conventional society, success requires us to meet and exceed other people's expectation.
I have some friends like this, and woa, they just blow my mind by the their level of drive and achievements. I find them fascinating, since I don't think I usually have that drive to "be someone" or"do something".
Even though as a child I often got chided and caning from misbehaving, I somehow always knew and trusted that I would be accepted and loved. Even if I commit crime and go to jail.
I don't know how I got that sense, but only hanging out with people who don't have it do I realize how lucky I am to have at least a glimpse of that unconditionality.
It also surprises me that many people don't have it.
---
A mom-friend reminded me that every new mom felt a hormonal surge of unconditional love to her baby. Perhaps mom is biologically wired this way since a newborn baby is completely dependent and cannot "do" anything to earn the care it needs..
What it also means is that in a way we all knew what it was like to be loved and accepted unconditionally as a baby or young child. As we grow up, we learn about rules and expectation and how the reciprocal social world works.
Perhaps it's not that people don't have this sense. It's that we forget. Perhaps as we grow up we all get too stuck in the adult world and forget the wisdom of the child? I see that in myself, often in my reactive attempt to prove or signal that "I'm a good person". Perhaps we have to accept that as human we are a pretty forgetful and ungrateful species..
The child has wisdom but not yet develop its means of expression. The adult has the means of expression but forgets the wisdom. The question is "How do we become adult while **including** the wisdom of the child rather than throwing it away?"
That's the real task.
---
It's also worth remembering that beyond that social human world, there are other worlds where unconditional love exists.
Take a moment to think about how no one pays for the sun and yet it’s here supporting our life for million of years. As much as I am complaining about the scorching summer heat here in Ho Chi Minh City, I’m grateful that the sun has risen today and is shining its light on earth. Think about the fact that we don’t do anything or have to prove ourselves to earn the sun: if that’s not love, then what is it?
On one hand, you have the rationalist / materialist / objectivist response (probably a result of scientific worldview, staying too long in dry academia and a rather sad childhood)
"Well, that's not love. It's just survival of the fittest. The sun doesn't care about us: only those who can live and adapt under the sun can live on. We don't owe the sun anything. It is just what it is."
I understand this perspective because I was like this for a long time too, and now my response is this is not about a logical debate with an objectively True answer.
It reminds me of the question Brene Brown asked in doing her research on compassion & boundaries:" Do you believe people are doing the best they can?"
Her husband gave a beautiful answer “I don't know. I really don't. All I know is that my life is better when I assume that people are doing their best. It keeps me out of judgment and lets me focus on what is, and not what should or could be.”
Similarly, I'd like to believe that I'm receiving something from the sun unconditionally, because my life is better that way.
On the other extreme, many of spiritual-inclined hippie type have become resentful from insisting that this unconditional love should exist in this human quid-pro-quo world. I have somewhat been on this camp, and I've come to a painful but helpful conclusion:
No, unconditional love doesn't exist in this human world, at least for the most part. Even if it does, it’s exception rather than the norm.
Yet here is the more important piece: once we remember that we are always touched by this ever presence background of love, we will gradually attune ourselves with this invisible field, just like cosmic radiation. From that field, we will drink, recharge and energize ourselves enough to do our part to make this unconditionality the norm rather than exception.
That's the real work. 🙏
Sharing is sprouting.
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Quotes I'm contemplating this week
"If you don't tell me what's going on, I'm going to make something up, and it's likely going to be negative, mostly about me. "
Jerry Colona recalls his son's insight about leadership and human response. This interview in Sounds True here is powerful.
“There are too many people today who instead of feeling hurt are acting out their hurt; instead of acknowledging pain, they’re inflicting pain on others. Rather than risking feeling disappointed, they’re choosing to live disappointed. Emotional stoicism is not badassery. Blustery posturing is not badassery. Swagger is not badassery. Perfection is about the furthest thing in the world from badassery.” - Brene Brown.
I have been thinking of this since my reflection on cynicism above. Especially when you play the leader role and emotional support for your people, having to admit and experience the painful feelings is downright blasphemy. And yet, we have to risk feeling those ourselves because ignoring those sooner or later will not work. This reminds me of another quote
“Violence is what we do when we don’t know what to do with our suffering.” - Thich Nhat Hanh
Very apt note to close this episode. May you be well, free and healthy.
Khuyen
Lastly..
Do reach out for the Inner Critic Assessment or general conversations about life. I'd love to be helpful.