Behind the Allure
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Hello friends,
Long time no hear! The Enzyme has been MIA because the last three weeks have been crazy with finding and moving house (mostly for my dear housemate) as well as dealing with
a difficult and demanding landlord.
Getting into this operational mode, I got a taste of what it is like to work in an environment where I get constantly distracted by others' requests, worry about the outcomes of the workers and have to care a lot more about how other people feel.
More compassion for those who are doing dispute resolution and negotiation on behalf of their people. The good news is that I'm for sure adulting.. It was a good learning experience and reality test.
It reminds me of a comment a former boss and mentor gave at the end of my summer internship: "Khuyen, you are more suited to be a philosopher. I'd suggest you stay away from the operational world." It was painful at that point to hear, and perhaps true... What good do all these philosophical musings do when sh*t hit the fan?
Being as philosophical as I usually am, powering through these few operational weeks feels like going through the motion without reflection, except for the occasional crisis of "What am I doing it for?"
"Helping my friend" is not satisfying enough as an answer. Neither is "defending what's right".
There's a bit of "Learning to be an adult by dealing with unpleasant but practical stuff".
I even had a high purpose "Helping people have a closure that felt complete, satisfying and perhaps even healing." Seriously, handing off an apartment felt like a very bad breakup, with people feeling hurt, getting angry, making outrageous demands and exacting on every small details. The bad aftertaste can last for a long long time.
As reality hit and forced me to confront with this question "How do I deal with people whom I don't want to deal with? What rules, guidelines or principles that could help?"
As someone who's trying to unlearn the scarcity mindset and move into abundance, I don't want a world of quid-pro-quo - "more for you is less for me". But I've come to accept that clearly many people operate in that transactional paradigm whose relationship with each other is highly adversarial.
Sure, I can grow more compassion for those who are deemed greedy because I can learn to empathize with how they themselves don't feel enough inside. They might be also be victim of the situation.
However, that's too much of Yin energy, and I needed to learn to assert myself, a skill I've been learning, somewhat without choice, since working with people who are more assertive in general.
Adam Kahane's book, "Collaborating with the enemy" provides very helpful guideline.
This quote from David Culver, a well-known manager & CEO of the Canadian aluminum company Alcan in particular is something I wish to have read.
“When I feel myself wanting to be compassionate, I try to be tough, and when I feel myself wanting to be tough, I try to be compassionate.”
Adam then continues
"In a situation or system that is dominated by engaging nicely, if we begin to assert, then we may be seen as impolite or aggressive. In a situation or system dominated by asserting, if we begin to engage, then we may be seen as weak or disloyal. Going against the tide therefore takes patience: to be able to wait for the moment when the dominant movement is producing frustration, doubt, or fear, and then to make the countervailing move."
Such a big learning worth diving deeper about. Sober cheering for growing up....
Anyway, I'm so glad to be back with writing. I'm moving to a house nearer to Ho Chi Minh city center and feeling the surge of energy as I could move around a lot more quickly and make good things happen!
Hope you are well,
Khuyen
Behind the Allure
A meditation on Alita, romance and temptation
In the midst of the practical house moving, messy dealing with people work, I managed to get myself sucked into another alluring vortex of movie and manga. It has stirred up plenty of strong emotions, and I'd like to share with you some of the insights from sitting with them.
I went to the cinema to watch Alita — Battle Angel near midnight last Thursday after giving in to much temptation. Superhero movie is my weak spot, especially when it’s a female cyborg who doesn’t need sex appeal to lure young men.
Despite being a CGI character, Alita character is rendered so beautiful and real that when she appeared next to a real human on the screen, I totally gave in to the illusion that they two could blend together.
. Alita & Dr Ido —The director’s comment was apt: “It’s not about being realistic; it’s about being photographic.” P.C Alita — Battle Angel on Twitter
It’s not really an excellent movie in terms of plot — the usual “discover your true potential” heroic journey— but it has surprisingly impacted me so much that I started digging into all the manga comics that inspired the movie after watching it that night.
I’d admit that even writing about her now makes my heart beat faster. After all, this is not a movie review but an account of the whirlwind it has brought to me.
For the next two days, scenes from the movie keep playing in my mind. Even on the road, even in conversation with friends.
Woah. Who would expect a popular movie to have such a strong impact?
During the day, I noticed my own inability to control what’s going on. As part of my meditation practice, I tried to pay attention to the breath and body sensations in order to pull me out of this vortex of attraction.
It was hard. Alita was so beautiful and real. The urge to give in was so strong.
Bringing my attention back into the body stirred up a primordial fear. I felt a hollowing sense, as if the whole chest was being pulled forward with an invisible string. Only in hindsight could I name what the feeling was: the fear of being totally consumed, of completely losing oneself. Yet, what makes this experience so enticing is the other side of the fear: of falling freely without any concern about consequences, of surrendering completely to something or someone.
This vortex forced me to face squarely with this dilemma: how do I make sense of being sucked in to something like this? I could waste time wandering on the street, but giving into watching movies and reading manga? No waay.
The usual guilt-tripping explanation is that I didn’t have enough willpower, or that the environment made distraction so easily (being on my own without a deadline). This can easily lead to self-loathing thoughts though, such as “You suck! You are wasting your life by playing computer games or reading manga at this age!”
The other explanation that seems more self-compassionate is that I need a break to just read for pleasure. I haven’t read a novel for a year and comic stories seem way more enjoyable. Maybe I don’t know how to enjoy pleasures without guilt? Maybe I need to work harder so that pleasure is more deserved?
None of this felt very true. It is neither about making more productive choice nor better self-care. The strong emotions — irresistible attraction and glowing desire — were palpably real and uncomfortable. In the past, I’d likely beat myself up “Hey, you got work to do, why are you distracted?” Now, I could sit down and check in with my body. There must be something deeper that holds so much emotional energy.
A meditation on romance
Low and behold, an insight emerged as a thought “This is like falling in love with someone. So rapid, addictive and irresistible”. Like the beginning of a romance.
Romance, for most of us, is about something extraordinary. Whatever form it takes — an alluring promise of The Perfect One after a few dates, a together happy-ever-after novel, an idyllic cabinet in the wood or the dream meaningful job, romance is the beginning of a noble quest.
I’ve long been skeptical of romance, even to the point of holding a big judgment that romantic fiction does more harm than good.
First, I’ve been weary of how love stories and also heroic journeys as portrayed by popular media have created much unrealistic expectation on how our life could be. Yet, while wishes such as “I want to be like superman” or “I want to be in a love story so beautiful like that” may serve as motivating thoughts, they sometimes backfire by getting overly attached to such outcome.
Second, much of fiction exploits our desire to get lost into another world. Not that it is inherently bad, but the danger is in how easily it turns into an addictive form of escapism by running from one high point to another in an attempt to avoid facing the messy banalities of life. I used to be a heavy computer gamer as a way to cope with normal life, and I know many people get stuck on it.
Romance is so appealing to our psyche precisely because it reveals such a deep truth about us: the longing to be loved and love with reckless abandonment. To see and be seen in the sparkling light of our best version.
That’s what happened to me after watching the movie Alita. Knowing fully that it’s just a silly crush to a fictional character, I still felt its warm, salacious glow in the body.
Love doesn’t blind. Romance does. No wonder many people like me come to adore someone unreal: I don’t have to deal with the messy reality of my shyness or her imperfection. No painful realization, so no need to be afraid.
The inner conflict made me realize how much this fear often masks as a subtle form of performance anxiety: if I can’t sustain the thrill, I may as well not pursue it in the first place. Nonsensical as this excuse sounds, it still holds me back from going all in.
The tug of war happens as the tendency to withdraw in fear clashes with the instinctual desire to engage. Like being caught by two powerful horse carriages pulling from opposite direction, I was torn.
Giving into the desire and I’ll be sucked in for good. Giving into the fear and I’ll miss out fully engaging in pleasure. Only with a moment of pause do I realize that even though the voice of fear is yelling “Stop!”, it’s incomplete. The second half of the sentence is “If you choose to proceed, do so with caution”.
This episode made me wonder: could we learn to experience this allure mindfully, to savor this ecstatic highlight while not being caught up in it?
David Richo from How to be an Adult in Relationship has a beautiful answer: “The trick is to enjoy it as Ulysses enjoyed the sirens’ song, with full pleasure yet safely. We want to be thrilled but not wrecked as we sail into it. This means enjoying romance as a full and uninhibited participant but also as an amused and sober witness. We fall, notice how we are falling, and catch ourselves all at the same time.”
Indeed I watched my desire, felt the thrill and sailed right into the Siren’s island (of manga). A few days after, with plenty of busy work to do, the craze fades away. It was beautiful and simultaneously amusing to reflect on how I both struggled and enjoyed this episode of guilty pleasure.
Thankfully, I’m not a wrecked ship (yet).
Coming out of Fear
In situation where two inner forces are clashing, the best approach is to make space for them. Find a quiet time and place, then sit with this discomforting tug of war until the inner space becomes spacious enough to hold the contradicting pulls.
Only then could I have enough capacity to directly enter into the fear without any reservation. Fear, once fully felt in the body and mind, will release its grip so that I could taste the joy of engaging in the experience.
Despite the inner turbulence that these such judgments and fears initially stirred up, they eventually dissolve, revealing something deeper and more beautiful. Behind my harsh judgment of romance is the fear of losing myself. Behind that fear is a genuine yearning to give myself more completely to the world.
After all, what if we could be so powerfully drawn into our work and people and things that matter to us just like that? What if our ordinary day to day can be that beautiful and alluring? What would it take for our relationship with life to become that magical?
I don’t have an answer, but thanks to Alita, I’m sure as hell dedicating myself to the question.
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Read the full post here on Medium.
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Quotes I'm contemplating this week
"Don't confuse "I just want to have you in my life" with "I have to make you happy" This difference makes all the difference in your relationship"
Ken McLeod, a great modern Western Buddhist teacher comments on relationship and marriage. Yes, sometimes you just want a person to be present in your life and any expectation on being happy becomes detrimental.
Lastly..
#mondaypun
Khuyen
P/s: Let's have a conversations about life if you are feeling stuck. I'd love to be helpful.