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"Though we live much of our live much of our lives outsides, in action and engagement with the world, the deeper impact of what happens is registered in the narrative of the heart. Because the heart dwells in unattended dark, we often forget its sublime sensitivity to everything that is happening to us. Without us ever noticing, the heart absorbs the joy of things and also their pain and care. Within us, therefore, a burdening can accrue. For this reason it is wise now and again to tune into your heart and listen for what it carries".
- John O’Donohue.
The heart dwells in unattended dark indeed. I've always thought that in the personality test Myer-Brigg I'm an F, feeler instead of T, thinker. Recently, a friend pointed out that all the Thinkers think about their feelings. The Feelers simply know that they feel, without any doubt. I really have little idea about how my heart feels.
With that psychological tidbit goes my journey to tune into the deeper wisdom there on the left side of my chest, a little charted territory where my nerdy thinking self often believes it is ill-equipped to traverse. But hey, anything that we attend to will eventually reveal its secret to us. That includes our heart too.
This week, I want to dive into a particular sensation, a state of deep absorption simply from moving in the world. In such moment, you notice the vitality inside, that this beautiful thing called "you" is fully alive. I had that moment a recent afternoon as I was heading out on my bike to a class reunion. I started noticing a familiar inner rhythm, with very subtle waves of continuous folding in and out just beneath my heart region.
It was as if I was witnessing a little baby sleeping inside my chest. If you ever watch anyone sleep, especially a young baby, you know it is one of life's most indelible pleasure, so precious and magical that it can instantly quiet your restless mind and soften your aching heart.
Imagine you can have such an incredible treasure always within you: what a blessing it is to live? All you need is to keep attending to those moments when the soft animal of your body purrs.
What does that have to do with kindness? Such moments of blissful aliveness come more often when we become kind to ourselves. Then, we gradually become open to life, let more and more of its vitality come through us and enliven us. Once we learn to be kind with ourselves, we can embody it into the world.
I used to be a cynical boy and tried to explain to myself why I should be kind. My wonderful nun-mom told me since young to be a kind person. Yet I have never been able to be kind out of duty or morality. I must feel that way naturally, out of knowing what it is.
Thanks goodness, life has been whispering to me for a long time about kindness. I’m learning that kindness cannot be only thought of as an intellectual idea; it also has to be experienced and then regularly practiced. Some people get it right away viscerally, but many brainy people like me don't. We need an explanation first, and then an experience later for the "Aha" to be long lasting.
I had an encounter like that a few days ago as I was on my bike listening to the most poetic and illuminating explanation I've found so far on the inner logic of kindness. It was an interview with Nipun Mehta, someone who has influenced me profoundly on what it means to change the world. (I spoke about it for a presentation here till 42:40)
Being kind or seeing kindness may not bring you any immediate benefit, let alone anything tangible. In fact, there is no reason to be kind: it's not really about you.
Yet, what happens when we are in its presence is that the inner ecology completely shifts, and we have a new lens on which to see the world. It's all about you, but a very different sense of "you".
Before that the inner pattern is all "me me me"; after, it shifts to "we" (or “mwe”, or “me in the we” to be exact). In those moments, the thought of "what is in it for me?" doesn't even pop in your head. You just know it's the right and beautiful thing to do. Asking why you have to be kind is like asking why everything has to be beautiful. No, it doesn't have to. It just is, although the observer may not able to appreciate it.
In the presence of kindness, our mind becomes still as it falls deeper into our inherent interconnectedness. That clear mind is an incredible resource, and more often than not it comes from an open heart. "I'm free when my heart is open. I'm free when my mind is clear", as the song by Plum Village monastery goes.
How could a moment of witnessing kindness have such a profound inner impact? Because such moment of kindness is so rare in our usual patterns of cynicism and fear. It's like seeing a purple elephant on the street, so bewildering that we ask: is it even real? To use the scientific term, it's too important of an anomaly to ignore. After all, from my experiences especially with the nonprofit SEALNet, one of the most important experiences young people could have is to receive the kindness and abundance of the world, especially from strangers whom you had no reason to trust. It will change their worldview on life forever.
Kindness cracks open the usual cynical wall that we have put up to protect ourselves from that dangerous dog-eat-dog world out there, and from that crack we start to catch a glimpse of a more beautiful world that our heart knows is possible. Then, we can connect to the other person in a wholly different way and notice what we previously haven't noticed.
I had one of those moments last month, when I overheard my mom talking to my grandmom about giving a sick tenant in our house some money to support his health. My heart felt something tender that moment, and mind you, I'm a big time thinker for whom tenderness doesn't come easily. A lightness entered my body through the left side of my chest where the heart stayed.
I know, from what everyone else says, that my mom is a generous and compassionate person. Yet only in those moments could I feel it viscerally, which allowed me to see my mom through a different lens. Just as importantly, I understood that if that were my mom, someone whose womb once held my life, then the seed of kindness must be in me too.
The impact of witnessing the moment was so tangible that it would be silly and frankly unscientific to discount. The sensitive heart knows more than enough to reveal what the mind can take forever to understand.
Now, in retrospect, my older self has an answer to the question by the young cynical boy inside: "Why should you be kind? Because it is a world I want to live in".
p/s: In that good mood, I paid my bike parking also for the one after me. It's only 15 cent, but the effect it has on me is powerful. Practicing kindness ftw!
----The story can also be found here on Medium. --
By the way, last week's launch of my Guiding Practice has been a quiet success with several of you signing up. You can sign up for a free guiding session with me here in my calendar. I hope to chat with you soon.
This week, my friend Kyle shared with me a poem when we talked about living life in its infinities. I have yet to become a poet, so I've got to learn to appreciate good stuff first. Poetry is a good complement to the bookish type like me; its beauty works on the intangible that the mind rarely travels to.
LOVE IS A PLACE
by E. E. Cummings
love is a place
& through this place of
love move
(with brightness of peace)
all places
yes is a world
& in this world of
yes live
(skilfully curled)
all worlds.
Commentary: Love moves through many places, often unexpected ones, and yes, we always live in multiple worlds entangling with one another. That's the pleasure and pain of my life --- discovering and living in more and more worlds.
Sharing is sprouting.