One gift 🎁, two needs ✨
View this email in your browser.
One gift, two needs, a beautiful moment
This week, I had a beautiful moment with money. I gave away the biggest amount I’ve ever given to a formal educational experience, $5 mil VND or $250 at a 3-day workshop by a lovely couple, Minh and Tuan at Connection Coach. I know, I’m cheap, but let me explain first.
For most of my life, I’ve lived on scholarships and grants. I don’t quite consider it as “making money” as it is “getting free money”, although the total amount I’ve received is more than 99% people in the world. In other words, I have been living in the spirit of the gift: I asked, and the generous world gave.
The 3-day workshop was donation-based with no minimum. I’ve got some values out of it, and I thought I would compensate accordingly. Maybe $50 or $75? I’m a bit ashamed to reveal this dirt cheap thinking, but it felt sufficient at the time. I’ve been thinking about how much to give since the day before. When there is no suggested amount, it’s rather hard to pick a number without feeling some guilt or regret.
On Sunday afternoon at our last session, we went around the circle to share a challenging personal problem we have. Then each of us wrote down what beliefs caused such problem and traced back to our first moment where we learned such beliefs.
I was thinking about my relationship with money. Growing up in a poor family, I have always been spendthrift; the mindset was to spend less rather than make more. I’m ok with living a materially simple life, but the downside is that I also don’t know how to give money well. I didn’t get to experience to joy of giving money that much.
A memory from secondary school popped back up. Our class was doing a donation drive for disaster reliefs in rural provinces. I remember feeling conflicted: how could I give if my family wasn’t doing too well either? I didn’t want to ask my mom, even though I knew if I asked, she would definitely give. She was already working hard as a single mom to sustain the family, and I didn’t want her to bear the extra burden.
The deeper reason was that I didn’t believe I had and would continue to have enough to give financially. That belief seemed true at the time, but it may have outlived its validity. I wish to be more generous though, because I know by practicing generosity, I’d experience the world more fully.
A different question for money
I wrote down “How can I be generous with money?” and then I realized a better question: “What does it look like to relate to money in a more beautiful way?”
I have friends who are fully immersing in the money making games. For this group, often dubbed “ruthless capitalists”, money soon becomes a number game where more begets more. Not only that, it also gets further away from the tangible human values.
Meanwhile on the other extreme, many spiritual seeker friends look down on money, especially those influenced by Buddhist sects that emphasized on giving up worldly pleasures. I’m not a big fan of this renunciation view either. To me, it’s simply a case of trading one pleasure for another, where the pleasure of pursuing of a “pure” spiritual life without having to mess with the “dirty” dog-eat-dog world. It’s more a matter of taste than of morality, and if you have read me before, you know that I like to get into messy stuff and clarify it.
Close to the spiritual seekers are the gift economy advocates, whose common mentality is that money is only one tool to achieve certain outcome, and there are many other tools. The idealist in me appreciate the spirit behind, and I personally have got by life reasonably well without much. However, such mentality assumes that humans have agency over our tool. Whenever I hear the common trope of “technology is only a tool; whether it is good or bad depends on how we use it”, the anthropologist in me rang an alarm bell. As Kranzberg’s law goes, “technology is neither good nor bad, nor is it neutral.” Money as a technology, once invented as a way to facilitate exchange beyond bartering, has evolved to have environmental, social and human consequences that go far beyond its original purpose.
Most of modern humanity is still living in monetary world, and while a utopian where money isn’t a big concern may seem nice, perhaps we have a more pressing responsibility and interesting opportunity: to explore different relationships with money.
Anyway, while I was wondering about all those things, our guides, Tuan and Minh, shared about their beliefs that money wasn’t as important in their lives as compared to other values like family and autonomy. Sometimes they even looked down on it.
I have seen many people, especially those who usually give a lot without getting back, have a hard time asking for what they want and receiving it. That skill takes lifelong practice. It’s worthwhile though, for in life, the only way to get what we truly want without sacrificing our integrity is to ask for it.
As the couple was sharing, something shifted inside me. I sensed an “Aha”, a bold lightness in my chest. In that moment, I saw a learning opportunity. I could expand my boundary of generosity, and hopefully they could expand their receiving capacity too. What if I could give a the full amount of money that I just withdrew the night before, $250?
The moment that thought arrived, I was surprised at how easy and joyous the decision was. The joy blossomed immediately from the moment I decided to give, not the moment I actually gave.
Before, I was asking myself “How much is this experience worth, and how much am I willing to compensate?” That led me to a comparing, transactional mindset: is this too much, is this too little? In that moment, I asked myself a different question: “What does the situation need?” In this case, each side needs to practice a very important skill: to give and to receive. Some money seemed apt to practice such learning.
As such, I waited for the right moment at the end of the workshop after everyone has donated. Then I told the story of what had been going on in my mind about how much to give. Holding their hands and giving them the money, I said “This amount is for you two, because I genuinely admire you and what you are doing together. Please receive it fully, and do whatever you want with it”.
It was a touching moment. Something shifted in the social field, as if something invisible just drew us closer.
Minh said she felt a relief in her chest, that she could receive it fully without any unease. I was joyous. The moment turned out to be a highlight of my experience at this workshop, something I didn’t expect at all.
Had I come in with a preconception of how to deal with this money issue, I wouldn’t be open to co-creating such a learning opportunity. Perhaps the best learning indeed comes from sensing the needs of the collective rather than myself?
The Enzyme won't be complete without some sort of musings. I'm using this space for some reflection from the experience.
On receiving
Receiving is not easy. When we receive compensation from people, there is often a little doubt: are we meeting their expectations? Are we really helping or they are just pitying us? Such doubt can be healthy or crippling. Too little doubt of ourselves, we exploit others’ good wills. Too much, we undervalue ourselves, forget to replenish our inner wellspring and end up becoming a resentful saint.
Have you wondered why you say “you are welcome” after someone thanks you for something you did for them? It’s not only a polite thing to say, but also an acknowledgement of a giving-receiving interaction that helps clarify an otherwise messy situation. That’s why when the giver says “No problem, no problem, it’s only a small thing” instead, we as receivers may often feel quite bad. The dynamic of giving-receiving isn’t made clear. To me, that saying often makes the other person unnecessarily a larger-than-life detached figure, which is quite hard to relate to. Moreover, I often doubt if it’s really is a small thing for the giver and then hesitate the next time I have something to ask.
What could we say instead then? Now I prefer “I’m glad I helped”. Adam Grant also recommends “I know you’ll do the same for someone else.” Such clarity makes the ongoing relationship smoother while still inspires more generosity.
Surprising joy
In retrospect, the biggest surprise for me was how and where the joy came from. While I like the warm glow feeling of being a generous person, the more satisfying joy came from matching well the gifts with the needs. The elegance of the moment was delirious, not unlike solving a puzzle, only that I know I am a part of it too. The last line is the most important reminder for the nerdy intellectual type like me: to go beyond the observing mode and realize that I too is a part of the situation.
Some people use rules of thumbs to simplify giving decision like this, such as budgeting a certain portion of income for donation, or even taking the Giving What We Can pledge. I still follow this approach sometimes, although now I’m advocating for a context-sensitive approach, as this story has shown. Not only will it be better for the situation, it also feels better. In this case, mindfulness practices have helped me tremendously: once we learn to attune to ourselves, especially to our bodily sensations, decision gets easier and satisfying.
The full post can also be found here on Medium.
I'm on TV :D
My story on how I (or at least my former self) went crazy with time saving app went live this week! It has been really cool to see a TV-quality production: they really made everything look good 😎 You can watch the 7-minute story here. I hope it won't waste your time, and please share it if you resonate 😃
Sharing is sprouting.